50,000 retweets and our professor will let us get our medical degrees without taking our finals! I want to be a pediatric heart surgeon, let’s goooooooo
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Went to the doctor the other day, he told me I had to stop lap-dancing. I asked him why and he said, “Because I’m trying to examine you.”
Let’s be honest, murdering someone before coffee would be pretty lackluster. I’d probably be too tired to even get the job done.
Him: I like you.
Me: I’ll soon put a stop to that.
When you set up a LAN for an 8 yr old kid’s birthday party at and then they ask you to play
When I get naked in front of a man for the first time I never do it slowly and seductively, that would just give him time to get away.
Watch Forrest Gump
*feel inspired
*toss orthotics out, go for jog
*1/2 block later, keel over and die next to shit happens bumper sticker
Bank ads make me want to hide my money under my mattress.
They also make me want to acquire some money for hiding, but that’s a side issue.
Him: Flash me a smile. You’re prettier when you smile.
I seductively part my lips to reveal one perfect orange slice.
Date: *opening apt door* This is where the murder happens.
Me: OMG, what!?
Date: Sorry, magic happens. Haha, I confuse those two.
Me: Phew.
Date: *locking door behind us* and now to magic you!
Twitter is like a rocking chair.
It gives you something to do
and takes you nowhere
I learned German so I could sound angry about everything.
I’ve known my drug dealer since I was this high.
Just cleaned my room 7 months ago and it’s dirty again.. this is bullshit
[Date night]
WIFE: Remember the night we met?ME: Yeah you walked in, I was eating pizza, and our eyes met
WIFE: It was amazing
ME: It really was and I don’t normally like deep pan
Life is as good or as bad as you make it. Take responsibility for your choices, including how you feel about a situation. And breathe.
Is your GPS supposed to sigh before it says “Recalculating”?
There are two types of people in this world. Those who make fun of Wordle. And those who can solve a Wordle.
You look like the type of person who would try to write a check for a drug deal.
Back in 2012 my wife & I were the victims of a horrific & terrifying home invasion that left us mentally scarred & unable to sleep. But our daughter’s 5 now & we’ve actually grown quite fond of her.
Hate it when I go to the store for a loaf of bread and come back home $100 later.
Her: You’re a pathological liar!
Me: …and the King of Spain.
Jehovah’s witnesses are at my door.
*Lights black candles, dons flowing dress, opens door, and says seductively, “Are you the keymaster?”*
Me: What kind of eggs do you want for breakfast? Scrambled? Fried?
4 Year Old: Chocolate
Me: You really are my child.
doctor: your blood pressure is a bit high
me: maybe it’s because someone is strangling my bicep
(Man hobbles into grocery store using a cane)
5: HEY MOM THAT MAN IS USING A WALKING STICK BC HIS BONES AREN’T STRONG & HE’LL DIE SOON RIGHT
I hate when people ask me if I’m all ready for Christmas. No Susan. I’m not even ready for today.
Found a subreddit where they just post photos of TVs that are too high on the wall
Me, December 2016: I’m going to buy this juicer and lose some weight in January
Me, January 2017: I have eaten the juicer
Half a league, half a league, half a league onward…
Justice League, confused: So like, which half?
Aquaman: *stares into the valley of death*
Y’know what? I’ll sit this one out.