Things that alarm my 5yo
Defcon 3: My 5yo is sick
Defcon 4: My 5yo is hurt
Defcon 5: My 5yo found a piece of tomato peel in her marinara sauce
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9 yo me: wow I love my public library yes I’d like to check out 14 novels that are above my reading level. Be back next week
Me now: wow I love my public library yes I would like to check out one—I believe it’s called a Bööke? I will be back in 3-5 business months
I’d like a progress bar over people’s heads so you can tell if they’re almost finished telling long stories or not.
[American TV]
SHOWRUNNER: We’ll have 184 episodes over 8 years and possibly 3 spin-offs.[British TV]
SHOWRUNNER: We’ll run for 63 years. There will be one episode a year. Some years there won’t be any. Alternatively we can do 8 episodes right now then never mention it again.
COWORKER: Walking is better for your knees than running.
ME: Hammocking is better than both.
Writing “Omg you guys are still friends after what she said about you???” on every group photo of girls I see on Instagram
“single and ready to mingle”
thank you so much for the warning
You look busy, I’m just gonna interrupt you anyways
– People who apparently want to go missing
I hate when someone you love says mean things like, “It’s time to wake up.”
“Living well is the best revenge.”
– someone who has never thrown a jar of spiders onto their enemy’s face.
[job interview]
Interviewer: It says here that you are a blowfish. Would you care to expand?
Bring back the McRib
crazy how my parents yelled at me as a child to “prepare me for the real world” when the only person who consistently yells at me is my cat
You know you where drunk last night when you realise you cooked your pizza for 200 minutes at 18 degrees
me: if you drink this coffee you’re gonna get jittery and anxious and you’re gonna feel sick later.
my brain: good bean juice taste like chocolate make me go fast
New research reveals that “the printer’s not working” is the third most common English phrase, right behind “thank you” and “go f*** yourself”
Can’t leave this facebook group because someone has raccoons living under their bathtub and now I’m invested in how it plays out
[first day as a private investigator]
Boss: you’re late
Me: I couldn’t find the building
The closest I’ve ever come to winning anything was that time I got picked from a lineup at the station.
If I was a sushi chef I’d wear divers gear so people knew it was fresh.
One time a friend said that he “ain’t never had no nothing”. It remains the only time where I have heard someone use a quadruple negative.
H: I think we should see other people.
Me: Do I have to? I don’t even really want to see you.
Clerk: What do you do at work?
Me: Write stupid jokes on Twitter.
Clerk: You can get paid for that?
Me: Hell no. That’s why I do it at work.
I always feel ripped off when someone asks if they can “sneak by you”, but then you say yes and they just walk by and aren’t sneaky at all.
They should hire this cat for L’Oréal Commercial.
ME: [explaining to a class of students] The real reason sharks lose teeth so often is because they have a very bad memory
ZOOKEEPER: [into walkie-talkie] She’s back
If Justin Beiber and Rebecca Black were both drowning and you could only save one, would you grab a bite to eat or finish mowing the lawn?
If you were a tree you’d be a bonsai, and if you were mine you’d be dead by now.
Daughter: How was your day, Daddy?
Me: Pretty busy, lots of meetings and deadlines.
Her: DEAD LIONS!?!
I’m trying to like people but boy oh boy do they make it hard.
sorry but who wants to search “price: high to low”