i trust rabbits implicitly. they wouldn’t let just anybody have ears like that
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Me: Oof my belly.
My wife: Yeah you need to lose some weight.
Me: Yeah
[5 minutes later]
Wife: Oh did I tell you there’s pie?
[10 more minutes]
Wife: By the way I brought home a loaf of callamata olive bread last night, so eat some.-The dangers of a grocery store clerk spouse
People are always impressed to hear that I graduated from Harvard at 16, but you can do anything you set your mind to if you just lie.
Sweaters don’t sweat.
Jumpers don’t jump.
And knickers don’t knick.
-Just a few of the reasons that keep me up at night
I don’t mind coming to work, but this eight hour wait to go home is just ridiculous!
Daughter asked who the princess of France was. When told there wasn’t one her eyes widened and she quietly asked if she could do it
girls please stop wearing Harley Davidson shirts if you don’t listen to his music
Wife: “Are you ok? You look exhausted.”
Me: “I saw one of those silica gel packs that says ‘Do Not Eat’ 4 days ago & I’m starving to death”
ME: this one time me and my friends went camping and-
DATE: “my friends and i”
ME: so this one time me and my friends and i went camping and
What do we want? A 2016 calendar! When do we want it? Late 2015!
[baby wakes up in the middle night]
“Go back to sleep, hun. I’ll sort it out.”
[puts baby on eBay]
This haunted house sucks. It’s just people sitting in cubicles under fluorescent lights looking sad.
Wait, this is real life? NOOOOOOOOOO!
*gets to hell*
[In earshot of Satan] I HATE ICE CREAM AND WATCHING TV, DAMN THAT WOULD BE REAL TORTURE FOR ME. OH AND BEER, I ALSO HATE BEER
*raises the last pack of toilet paper to the sky like Simba*
Children will literally bust in the bathroom like a cop to ask a question and then complain about the smell
Important question of the day:
Are centaurs technically insects?
They’ve got a sort of segmented body and have six limbs so…
My wife banned iPads from my kids so my sweet angels stood in the hallway where they thought I couldn’t hear and whispered “Let’s ask dad because he always let us and then we can blame him when mommy asks”.
ME: I was having a juice cleanse between 6 & 8 p.m
COP: You don’t need an alibi, you’re not a suspect
ME: I know, I’m just telling everyone
Please don’t take illegal substances.
Or at least, don’t take MY illegal substances.
#rubbishjokes
How many programmers does it take to change a light bulb?None – it’s a hardware problem.
Shred some cheese for me? Thanks, you’re the gratist
Day 4. They suspect nothing.
The adult version of “head, shoulders, knees and toes” is “wallet, glasses, keys and phone.”
losing it at this lady preaching abstinence at LSU and the students just going buck wild
If Pepsi was smart… They would make a Coke flavor Pepsi!!!
Therapy isn’t enough. I need to run my brain through the dishwasher.
My husband is turning 58 tomorrow. Join me wishing him “Jesus, you’re how old?”
*He-Man at table read*
“By the power of Greyskull, I have the- hang on-
*pointing to script*
should it say ‘power’ again here?”
My teen son complained that the house was too cold. I suggested that cleaning his room would warm him up. All of a sudden, he’s not cold.
“At least you’re going to get a lot of material out of this,” is comedian-speak for, “Sorry about your life, dude.”
Sorry I thought you wanted me to divorce my husband and run away with you when you picked some fuzz off my shirt sleeve.