[slides note under neighbor’s door]
reboot your wifi
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I could never join the army because I’d never be able to figure out what time it is.
[bank heist]
rob: what’s the plan
me: tom, you get the car ready while i hold up the bank
rob: it’s “rob”
me: sorry, tom get the car ready while i rob the bank
A pleasant day enough to misarrange slightly some words.
Tree: Bark
Dog: {leaves}
Me: huh why is Cinnamon Toast Crunch Shrimp trending
30 seconds later: I鈥檝e made a terrible mistake
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who demanded to use a fork to eat his soup and can鈥檛 eat his soup
I find few things more alarming than a toddler with a permanent marker in her hand.
I’m so proud of myself. I went to Costco hungry and only spent $17,000.
Looking at food photos online may help curb overeating: study
Googled woodworking. Broke my coffee table down and built a birdhouse. Desk is now a birdhouse too. Pretty much everything’s a birdhouse now
No autocorrect, I don’t want to bang a bunch of hot chimps.
Ther are two microwaves in my office kitchen, one is for exploding lasagnas and the other one is for exploding other different lasagnas
Just saw a tiktok of a family introducing their newborn to their cat and after it smelled the baby it went to another room and threw up LMFAO
Just seductively flipped my hair to the side and a partially eaten chocolate Santa fell out.
Clark Kent: How’s your lunch?
Bruce Wayne: This soup is great.
CK: don’t
BW: You could even say
CK: please don’t
BW: It’s Souper, man
[ interview at funeral home ]
director: are you ok being around death
me: *picturing all my houseplants* yes
[playing with a Ouija board with my dog]
Board: B A L L
Me: I know that’s you moving it! Stop!
Board: T R E A T S
Apparently banging the hell out of this remote doesn’t seem to be recharging these dead batteries.
I’m so white I once said “imma bounce” at a party and then hopped away like a bunny rabbit.
me: time for some laundry 馃檪
laundry machine: ok 馃檪
me: ok time to dry 馃檪
dryer: i鈥檝e invented a new knot. it transcends humanity鈥檚 current understanding of geometry. and i am testing it for the first time on your sheets
My wife: Tell me your wildest fantasy.
Me: Clamping my dentist’s tongue with forceps and shining a bright light in his eyes while I ask him about his ski vacation.
Sensible dad: I’d like to buy 3 ‘fleeks’ & 7 ‘swags’ for my son.
“Sir this is Urban Outfitters”
Do you have any ‘baes’?
“Please leave”
Thoughts and prayers for this lady who tried to make her purse lighter by throwing out a couple of visiting cards.
New shoes. I feel like I should go outside and step directly in dog crap and get it over with.
[Space]
No-one: I can hear screaming
court: counsel why are you yelling your questions from back there?
me: i’ve got my phone plugged in back here your honor.
what if superman felt the same way about kryptonite as dogs do about chocolate, and people always had to shoo him away from it like, “no, no kryptonite for you, bad superman”
The person who named the eggplant must have been:
a) Colorblind, and
b) Totally high
walmart in August: here’s some pumpkins
walmart ON halloween day: merry christmas
WHERE’S THE PUMPKINS AT BRO I NEED 3.
After you hit the snooze button five times, the alarm clock should start reciting your Google seach entries at full volume.