This is hilarious….
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ME: *takes wife’s hand* you know I’ve wanted to have children for 3 years
WIFE: And I’ve told you *removes hand and sits back* we have to keep them forever
Writing a work email:
“…I have an unexpected conflict…”My autocorrect:
“…I have an unexpected condom…”
My work day –
8:00-11:30 – wonder what I’ll eat for lunch today
11:30 – 12:00 – eat lunch
12:00 – 4:30 – Damn lunch was good.
I successfully avoided the red-eye flight and got the much milder pink eye flight.
I hate it when I see an old person and then realize we went to high school together
[landlord showing new tenant around]
“No smoking allowed”
“How about pets?”
“That’s fine”
[dog walks in and lights up]
“We’ll take it”
A survey shows that 20% of men kiss their wife goodbye when they leave the house and 80% kiss their house goodbye when they leave the wife..
The ritual complete, the blood god stands before the cultist.
“I have summoned you forth to destroy my enemies”
BLOOD GOD: …
“what?”
BLOOD GOD: It just feels like every time you bring me out of the forbidden realm it’s cause you want something, and you never just want to see me
A coworker just complained that nobody was talking to her and I really wish I had her kind of problems.
How much for the angry lawn gnome?
That’s my toddler.
I’ve been experimenting with breeding racing deer.
People have accused me of just trying to make a fast buck.
Church: time to come back
Me with 3 small boys: Well, OK
Church: not you
Me: Do you remember when I told you-
Husband: No.
The kids were being so annoying at bedtime last night, I threatened to take them back in time and put them to bed early.
pls don’t buy me anything family size i have no self control and no family
I don’t get Roomba commercials. Like who spills an entire box of cereal on the floor and is like eh leave it for the robot to clean up
Them: You seem nice.
Me: Really? Try driving slowly in front of me.
My favorite animal is fried chicken.
Parents, raise your kids well, or they grow up to be like your coworkers.
What did one tectonic plate say to another when he bumped into the other?
Sorry! My Fault!
I shaved my legs today and drew the hair back on. I don’t get it, eyebrow ladies, I don’t get it.
Understand men, or die trying.
Or try dying.
Or quit trying.
Or lie crying.
Or cry tweeting.Or tweet trying, to understand men.
“Theirye’re” problem solved
Found out I can become an IT pro in as little as 1 month with no experience & now I know where my company gets their IT pros.
{First Day at FedEx}
me: tosses crystal vase onto wrong porch from 30 ft away
manager: wow you’re a natural
[finding a secret passage in my NYC-apartment that leads to a corpse-filled torture dungeon]
HOLY SHIT LOOK AT ALL THIS EXTRA SPACE I HAVE!
@funTweeters Thanks so much she screams throwing glitter all over That is so cool!
*plugs my phone in to charge when it’s at 80%*
*lets the low battery warning on my fire alarm beep for 6 months*
Burned my finger on hot cheese, then immediately burned my mouth with the same hot cheese, if you’re looking for someone with a lizard brain