Got capsaicin in my eye again. I, justly, blame the squirrels.
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A remake of Charlie and the Chocolate Factory, but it’s targeted towards adults and takes place in a cheese factory
Satan [reading Chicken Soup for the Soul]: wtf this isn’t a cookbook
[me narrating a documentary about grasshoppers]
And here we see these little liars hopping on sand.
I thought it would be good for the environment if I had less grass to waste water on so I put a pool in.
My 7yr old walked up with a candy wrapper she’d found in the garbage “WHAT is this? Did YOU eat this?” “Yes, I bought it. At the store. With my own money.” I replied, beads of sweat forming on my forehead. I didn’t do anything wrong but oh how I felt like I really, really did.
State Farm
Like a good neighbor, stay on your side of the yard, pretend I’m not there, and let’s have as little interaction as possible.
multitasking lunch
me: what are you doing
lawyer: [opening briefcase full of ham sandwiches] judges are more sympathetic to your situation after they eat
prosecutor: [opens briefcase full of meatball subs]
lawyer: aw dude you’re going to jail
Scientist: a comet is headed for earth, we need a plan
Me: howabout a big funnel
S: why would that help
M: u know, to like, guide it here
Jim Carrey: (doing standup) who here is left handed
Audience:
Jim Carrey: all righty then
Hear me out. An Elton John themed Indian restaurant named Rocket Naan.
I’ve cleaned the entire house so no one is allowed to live here anymore.
[checking into a hotel]
Front desk employee: Thank you ma’am, we’ll make up a room for you right away
Me: aren’t… aren’t there real rooms here
other 21 year olds: going on dates, bein cool, having fun
me: trying to become friends w/ the birds outside my house by offering them bread
*job interview*
“Youre 30? Why haven’t you accomplished your life goals?”
“Tbh I thought the Mayan apocalypse was real. No plan past that.”
Child: [crying]
Me: OMG WHAT’S WRONG?
Child: My science grade dropped to a B+!
Me [who at the age of 53 learned that a lamb is a baby sheep and not a completely different animal]: Well you’ll just have to try harder.
coworker: hey circling back on that thing we talked about in december
me: stop living in the past
I’m a lady of science at least that’s what my horoscope said
Sorry to the guy in the car having to witness me checking for boogers in his tinted windows.
Relationship status: It’s not complicated I’m just an idiot
One of life’s great pleasures is to watch two idiots agree on something and then hear one of them say “Great minds think alike”.
Dove: Dad, what’s my name mean?
Me: It’s the symbol for love
Swallow: What about mine?
Me: Umm, true love.
It’s Facebook’s 10th birthday today. Let’s all click “Maybe” on the event invite and then not show up.
Who called it “the equals sign” and not “the aftermath”?
On the whole, people are getting smarter. I remember when they had to put “The End” on the screen, so people would know the movie was over.
there should be some kind of National Dog and before any politician gets sworn into office we have to see how the dog reacts to them
Computer: shutting down
Me: same
Thinking of leaving a fake bloody arm inside the blood pressure machine at this CVS pharmacy.
i think my razor is having a panic attack