Lost the library card. Been missing over a month.
Went and got a new library card.
Came home, put library card in a safe place and found old library card in the same spot.
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Me, whispering to myself: When it’s time to party, we will always party hard.
They should have a big dishwasher that you can drive your car into so you don’t have to wash it by hand. I’ll let someone else have this idea, goodnight twitter.
Playing mini-golf with your family is a fun way to spend thirty-two dollars to watch your kid throw 18 tantrums in a row.
Millennials complain a lot about how we can’t afford homes or retirement savings like our parents, but we have a lot of things they didn’t…like GPS, food allergies, adult acne, side hustles, and fluency in mental health terminology.
She danced her way into his heart.
-She was doing the robot tho, so she looked like an idiot.
My plumber found a blunt in my faucet.
No wonder my water bills are so high.#PlumbersDay
Im going out tonight with my new friends, dont wait up!
*runs into the sunset with a pack of wild squirrels*
[first episode of tv show]
Guy: Hi
Guy’s friend of 25 years: You’ve been my friend for 25 years
I wish I could lose weight as easily as I lose my glasses
Lol.
a vitamin for eyes called “v👁tamins” somebody write that down
Balloons take up a certain amount of space in the package, but if you want to know how big they’ll be when in use you have to adjust for inflation.
First date
Me: have you ever taken a selfie with a dog face filter?
Her: Yes, I love those!
Me: Well look at the time this has been fun…
Me: can I have some more hair?
The universe: sure — assume eyebrows and ears are okay?
We’re starting this social distancing thing as a family of six but given how everyone is getting along on day one, we might end up a family of four.
my therapist challenged me to get out of my comfort zone so i stopped watching tv in the living room and switched to the basement
[first day as Uber driver]
Me: any song requests?
Passenger: no thanks
Me: *tuning guitar* you sure?
where the womens at?
*brings elephant to knife fight
*nobody talks about it
I am a genie. I grant you three wi—
Me: ONE GOOD TWEET!!
Dracula is never rebooted, merely revamped
Calm down penguins. You’re just a flashy suit and a few body parts away from being a platypus.
How to numbers:
1: good job!
2: you’re doing it!
7: uhoh
#: that’s not even a number
🐴: wtf?
B: what are you doing?
Pro tip:
If you buy two 30packs at the beer store, you don’t have to make a second trip later in the day.
I can’t wait for the day when we can place specific blame in the fine print of pharmaceutical ads like CARL YOU’RE THE REASON WE CAN’T USE THIS WHEN WE’RE DRIVING THE BULLDOZER
WTF, marathoners? I don’t even like to drive 26 miles.
Harrison Ford just turned up at my AA group. I’ve never seen Han so low.
“You need some sunlight on that pasty skin of yours”–says my mom as she cures me of social anxiety and crippling depression
[waking up on sunday morning]
me: ugh, I can’t believe what I did last night
*looks around to see piles of perfectly folded laundry*
Every woman’s deodorant is called Delicate Whisper and every man’s deodorant is called Beef Shazam!