Him: What are you watching?
Me: Um, it’s like a foreign documentary
Him: What’s it called?
Me: I don’t actually remember
Him: Is it 90 Day Fiancé?
Me: yeah
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There’s no ‘i’ in gaslight.
This squirrel eats better than I do
me: help, my house is burning down!
mrs doubtfire: *narrows eyes* prove it
I’m not embarrassed.
I order my gingerbread latte LIKE A GOD DAMN MAN.
(I send my wife into Starbucks while I sit shamefully in the car.)
OMG, I can’t believe all the people who are out despite the stay at home orders.
…Says the person who’s out despite the stay at home orders.
Guess who went all day without dropping food on her shirt?
Not me, but I’m sure somebody somewhere did.
“I’m so hungry I could eat a-”
*walks by burger joint*
“nope, had one yesterday”
*walks by hot dog stand*
“closer”
*walks by stable*
“HORSE”
do y’all like your PB&J with or without the door hinge
Sticker placement is key.
I’ve watched this 17,467 times
George Washington spent 63% of his salary on alcohol so I guess you could say I have presidential qualities.
[nearing end of first date]
Me: I’ll give you a call later, OK?
Her: *throws phone in river* I lost my phone.
Track coach: run like the wind!
Dude from Oklahoma: *spins*
My nephew said the cherries in my refrigerator had gone bad. They’re moonshine cherries, so yeah, they aren’t exactly choir boys.
Fluff me with a fork baby
If someone is better at something than you, learn from them, let them teach you, or bathe in their blood so you can absorb their power.
Someone put the toilet paper roll on backwards and I’m furious and also I live alone
Rich people don’t buy lottery tickets, what does that tell you about lottery tickets?
My neighbor is a real douche & always cheating on his wife, so I changed my wifi to KARL IS CHEATING ON YOU AMY for when she needs my wifi.
When your spouse comes to you excited about a toilet seat, it’s best to remind yourself this person will most likely decide when to pull your life support plug someday so you get excited with them about that toilet seat.
[standing at the hospital nursery window with other new parents]
ME: this zoo is terrible
every For Him gift guide is just like “have you considered sock?? what about TOOL??“
Customer: Hey I ordered a dozen bagels and you gave me thirteen.
Very Stubborn Baker: No that was on purpose.
[animal noises] it’s only those with a destination who can be lost
HER: What’re you most afraid of?
ME: *thinking of how terrible it would be if my dog laid eggs that hatched into cats* Losing you, babe.
Meteorologist: According to our facts, we’ll have a longer winter-
People: LET THE GROUNDHOG DECIDE
Meterologist: But science
People: NO
freak people out in public restrooms by saying “come in” when they knock on the stall door
when someone tries to make you take a photo facing the sun bc it’s good lighting
I rode around the block on my bike for the first time in years and now I understand why Lance Armstrong took performance enhancing drugs.
I used 5 different things as a napkin today and one of them was my neighbour.