It takes a big man to admit when he’s got a problem, but it takes an even bigger man to help me bring all these beers in from the car.
You Might Also Like
“I want frog legs.”
-Fancy restaurant order or the coolest plastic surgery request ever
“As CEO of Tortoise Enterprises, this merger with Slug Corp is… Linda, where is everyone?”
“They all called to say they’re running late”
From a friend in the Nat’l lPark Service. They’ve thought this through.
you should always wash your sheets once a week in case they are really ghosts and need a shower
When my boyfriend gives me a hug during an argument, it looks loving, but I’m just patting him down to make sure he’s not wearing a wire.
I have no idea how the cavemen could afford to eat paleo.
Hey girl, are you the barbed wire fence surrounding Meryl Streep’s house? Cause I just can’t seem to get over you
[boiling pot]
dad lobster: why’s the heat on with the lid off
When my son loses his 1st tooth, Im putting $1 under his pillow and a note that says “I’ll be back with a hammer for the rest. -Tooth Fairy”
“so i was reading an article the other day” is code for “i saw this tiktok while i was sitting on the toilet”
Wife: Go out for breakfast?
Me: Sure!
Wife: Ok, let me shower first.
*showers, dresses & puts on makeup*
Me: Where should we have lunch?
“Does anyone else smell barbecue, or is it just me?”
– Joan of Arc
#CoronaOutbreak
(during sex)
Her: Make me scream
Me: *let’s loose tarantula on her chest*
People think Mt. Everest is the tallest mountain in the world, but did you know it’s actually the mountain of papers my kids bring home from school every day?
The quickest way to get a creationist to shut up is threatening to throw them off the edge of the earth.
Don’t you hate it when you misjudge a moment of silence and lean in for a kiss.
Worst police interrogation ever.
“these fit like a glove,” i whisper, sliding effortlessly into my five legged pants
GUY (hanging off the side of a cliff): I can’t hold on much longer!
ME (holding two ice cream cones): i really wish i could be more help
I tried to explain Pokémon to my 4-year-old.
After hearing myself say it out loud, I’m pretty sure I ruined both of our childhoods.
My toddler got me up at 4:30am because “Eeyore said it’s morning” Stupid donkey ruining my life
“i’m really more of a dog person.” — werewolf
Can’t believe a woman would grow a life inside of her for 9 months and then name it Ian.
[first date]
HER: I totally love Nirvana
ME: Oh yeah? Name one of their albums
HER: Nevermind
ME Okay, forget about it then
Asking your child to go get their sibling for dinner is just asking them to stand next to you and scream their sibling’s name.
the first cicada of the season just walked itself right into my fire pit. 13 years under ground looked at the world and said nope
MARRIAGE COUNSELOR: What is it that you are both most fearful of?
WIFE: I just…[sobbing]…don’t want the kids to suffer
ME: Eels
Him- All of your fantasies include me, right?
*imagines flying on a Pegasus with Thor*
H- Are you waving at the ground?
Me-Yes to both
I hated muffins until I was 17 & saw someone remove the wrapper on the bottom of a muffin before eating one. Prior to this, I thought it was just part of the muffin eating experience & would angrily eat muffin wrappers because… I just thought that I had to.
Me: Strengths? I never vomit when I’m nervous. *vomits*
HR guy: Umm…you sure about that?
Me: Oh yeah, yeah. I’m just super drunk right now