I never know what to do when someone tries to fist bump me, so I just slowly put their fist in my mouth
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me w/kids:
Don’t tell anybody where you learned that.
My son is suspended?
Yes, in-school suspension.
So he goes to school?
Yes, but he’s suspended.
Suspended IN THE SCHOOL?
Yes.
Idiot.
Wife: can you pick up milk on your way home
Me: can’t he just get a ride home with friends
Wife: again, our son’s name is not Milk
Asking if judges go commando under their robes is a sure-fire way to get out of jury duty.
Me: OMG! Everyone is dead!
Instructor: For the last time, you are late and it’s a yoga class.
ME: You know what they say, “Never go to bed hungry.”
HER: Angry.
ME: *Mouth full of nuggets* It’s prolly cuz you’re hungry.
Stop saying I’m crazy. You’re starting to sound like the waffle iron.
me: how is your pancake, bud?
3yo, rubbing the pancake on his face: it’s soft
Lesson learned: toddlers don’t understand sarcasm. As a side note, don’t say ‘bite me’ around toddlers that don’t understand sarcasm
Past is the past, it’s all gravy under the bridge.
Airport moving sidewalks are great for when you only want to feel like George Jetson for 10 seconds before you’re back to Fred Flintstone.
*Someone compliments me*
Me: *laughs* shut up! I am not, you lying piece of shit.
I’ve just found out that my 18-year-old keeps an eye on my Twitter account and now I’m seriously torn between doubling down on calling Ted Danson daddy or deleting my entire online identity.
Gave this artichoke the heimlich maneuver and now he’s artiokay.
As kids, we wondered why our parents were always in a bad mood.
Now we’re like, okay yes this makes sense.
ARE YOU A MAN OR A MOUSE?
“Haha a man obviously”
*Detective places cheese on table*
*suspect starts to sweat*
“The Mothership has returned. Gather your things and inform the others.”
my boss: how are you late to work again
me: [running out of excuses] have you ever seen the film flushed away
How come when people say “it’s been real” it’s fine, but when I say “this has been a fictitious event conjured up by my addled brain” all of the beings around me get awful quiet.
If you enjoyed calling strangers and hanging up when you were 10 years old, perhaps a career in telemarketing is for you.
Me: When the edibles kick in
Everyone: You forgot to attach a picture or a gif
Me: Exactly
This horse is a great reminder that our generation did not invent shitposting, it merely adapted it to another form
Before saying anything like “you have really soft hands for a man”, just be like so goddamned sure they’re a man.
I only had a few friends before I got on Twitter.
Now I don’t have any.
I hate it when a dog starts barking and then every other dog nearby retweets him.
My toddler just put the parent down for a nap in her dolls house and I’m trying to figure out where she’s got this idea that parents ever sleep because it’s definitely not here
HR asked me to justify my position but I really couldn’t explain why I was just standing there.
Signs you’re a man:
*has a massive heart attack* It’s nothing, really. I’m fine.
*catches a cold* Gather ‘round children. My time is drawing nigh.
There’s a 92-year-old winning on Wheel of Fortune. When I’m 92, I’ll be happy if I still remember the letters of the alphabet.
My smart washer was hacked by the Russians so I couldn’t do laundry today, at least that’s what I’m going to tell her.