If you tell me my life would be SO much easier if I’d organize everything, I swear I will stab you with a fork. As soon as I find my fork.
You Might Also Like
Parental pro tip: Take your kids to the mattress store at the mall and skip the trampoline park.
Fake assault rifles that just have a ‘bang’ flag come out should be called JK-47s
“And… uh… chocolate kills dogs.” – God puts the finishing touches on life on earth.
cashier: ORDER FOR GRANT
me: oh cool
cashier: 25 TACOS READY FOR GRANT
me: ok here I am
cashier: 25 TACOS TO BE EATEN SHAMEFULLY IN THE DARK READY FOR GRANT
me: hey, I’m right here
cashier: 25 TACOS REPRESENTING FEELINGS OF INADEQUACY READY FOR
*Doorbell rings*
*it’s a regular kid*
“Trick or treat!”
…and what are you supposed to be?
*removes face, revealing an unending void*
HUMAN
SPIDER-MAN: hold it right there, Chameleon
CHAMELEON: how’d u know it was me??
SM: ur disguised as Peter Parker
C: so?
SM: *starts sweating*
Everyone has that one friend they’ve known for years and still have no idea what they actually do for a living but it’s too late to ask
I was kicked out of my college grammar club for making up words. Even worse was the reculpricity they had with the other clubs on campus.
Merlot; what Princess Ariel drinks when she’s depressed.
#lunchpun
Sloth 911: What’s your emergency
[1 week later]
Sloth: I’VE BEEN SHOT
[1 week later]
Sloth 911: DON’T MOVE! We’ll be there in a month
Me: How long should I microwave this for?
Popcorn instructions: How should we know?
Damn CVS sales receipts got caught in the wind
Sure it’s cold, but I’m not going to break a sweat over it.
this kid says there was a weird sweaty man in the ball pit but I was in there and didn’t see him
Turns out, you can live vicariously through anything if you try hard enough. Right now I’m a pumpkin being launched 1,000 feet across a field by a catapult at a Punkin Chunkin festival. Weeeee!
Watching as gravity slowly unfriends you.
Dog: I will guard you with my life!
Cat: What was your name again?
Logically the best time to kick someone is when they are down
Therapist: And what do we say when we feel like this?
Me: That’s show biz baby
Therapist: No
*Librarian walks in* You know what’s great kids? You don’t need wifi to read a book!
*Kids boo*
*Someone in the crowd yells “NERD”*
60% of parenting is making grand plans to do something special with your kids and then hoping they forget about them so you don’t have to go.
me: *installs app that vibrates phone whenever I’m owned online*
wife: do you hear bees
“I’ll be back” –Arnold Schwarzenegger as getting into a 2-person horse costume
With the rise in grocery prices my cashier now asks if I’m ready before giving me the total, the answer is always no but I appreciate his sensitivity
I have this problem where I keep buying stuffed animals for my anxiety but then my grandparents steal them
Gonna bring a notepad and a fancy pen to my next therapy session cause yessiree two can play that game.
A good friend loves you and supports you, but a really good friend will hand you a block of cheese and then respectfully look away
Me: what do you want for breakfast?
7: a bowl of sugarMe too kid, me too
BANK ROBBER: I said keep your hands up!
ME: *Exasperated sigh* The whole time?!