Beyoncé: Who run the world?
Me: Oligarchs?
Beyoncé: This really changes my song
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the enemy of my enemy is my enemy in law
When my new neighbor dies, I’m going to hire the same tree removal service he has outside my window right now to work during his burial.
*Buys something from Amazon
*Tracks package from Amazon
*Gets delivery from Amazon
Me)I wonder what this is
Happy Thursday guys and remember. If you can’t spot the douche at work today, then it’s probably you.
Yesterday there was a sign in our building lobby saying that a possum was living in our trash cans. This morning the sign was gone.
Best case scenario: The possum relocated overnight.
Worst case scenario: The possum took down the sign itself
We were at the mall and I saw a guy with an eye patch, my wife grabbed my arm and dragged me away before I could ask him if he had a wooden leg.
“I was exposed to COVID and have to quarantine” is now my go to excuse to get out of literally everything.
Me at 20: I better stretch before I do a work out so I don’t strain my hammys!
Me at 40: I better stretch before I go to sleep so I don’t strain my neck.
The Untrained Meteorologist is a classic
🤣🤣🤣🤣
*gets into any creepy van*
*Gets kicked out*
One good thing about this heatwave is that no one is hiding in your backseat to try to kill you.
Computer: Password can’t be any previously used password
Me: (Uses old password and adds an exclamation point at the end)
[1890s guy] I gotta stop looking at my candle before bed
“I have a cure for your burning bush.” — Moses hitting on the ladies
Me: Remind me of your name again?
Ben: It’s Ben
Me: one week since you looked at me…
My spouse is “attending” a virtual conference for the next few days. To help simulate the real thing, I’ll set out a picked-over tray of mini-muffins, soggy cut fruit, and some weak coffee, and then whisk them away just as he approaches the table.
My son is wearing earbuds with no music playing so his sister won’t talk to him and I’m jealous because that never works for me.
pillsbury doughdad: [turning oven down] put a dang sweater on if you’re so cold, you naked moron
Parents are hiring drug-sniffing dogs to find their kids’ drugs. I couldn’t do it. My kid already doesn’t trust me, according to her diary.
Amazon thinks my recent furnace filter purchase was merely the inaugural move in newfound hobby of furnace filter collecting.
Me: I’ll have an egg white omelette
Waiter: I’m sorry, sir. It’s after Labor Day.
I’m really disappointed in Shaq for not having his own tequila called Shaquila.
I went to type “kill me” and it changed to “milk me.” I don’t even know what else to say now.
*cooks for 2 hours with all fresh ingredients*
My family: it’s ok*throws in frozen pizza*
My family: yayyyy pizzaaaa!
I’m new to running outside and still learning the benefits, like for example when it rains you don’t have to do it.
A remake of The Ring, except it’s Jeff Goldblum joyfully crawling out of your TV.
sometimes work CAN be fun, like reading through a long, complicated email and realizing you have zero responsibility for it so you can immediately forward to the person that does while laughing
Today I am thankful that I can still move faster than the huge spider that was in my kitchen sink a few minutes ago.
One of my favorite scientific discoveries in recent years is that among domesticated animals, dogs recognize the difference between themselves and people, but cats just think the people who live with them are terrible incompetent cats
I made a smoothie with oat milk. It was horrible. So next time I will use this recipe:
1.) Take carton of oat milk. Change name on carton to boat milk with sharpie.
2.) Next, float it out to middle of lake.
3.) Last, light it on fire like a Viking funeral.