Best part about marriage?
NO MORE CONDOMS!!!
Worst part about marriage?
No more sex.
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Lmao
*married driving*
Her: ‘You should pass this guy.’
Me: ‘You should have told me that vasectomy was completely unnecessary.’
Once upon a time, I’d leave my seat early at a concert or sporting event so I could beat the traffic.
Nowadays, it’s probably because I need to beat the queue for the toilet.
The only time I’ll care about Basketball:
Regrettably, we are forced to raise the price of our products and services due to the reason that we want to
waiter: what’ll it be?
cow: grass
horse: grass
sheep: grass
pig: *straightening his bowtie* a truffle
I accidentally put on my dad’s deodorant this morning and now I’m walking around offering people hard candy and asking “Working hard or hardly working?”
i’m the instant oatmeal packets in your pantry that you never want, but are glad you have.
I surveyed 100 women and asked them what shampoo they used when showering, 98 of them said, “How the hell did you get in here?”
me: i have test anxiety
classmate: it’s okay, jesus has answers
jesus: *descending from sky* the first three are all D
I gave a co-worker my word today …
And yes, the word started with the letter ‘F’ …
me: you ever get half way thru a sentence and completely forget what you were taking about lol
bank teller: something about a gun
Instagramming daily selfies does not constitute personal growth.
Actually officer, if you factor in the earth’s rotation, we were all speeding
BREAKING NEWS: Bread is extremely toxic to humans.
“Just throw it all in a lake somewhere,” says one long-billed scientist
one time for the fourth of july my dad pushed a volkswagen van filled with pop rocks into a motel pool filled with rc cola & recreated the blast that killed the dinosaurs
ME: sorry for the hold-up
TELLER: but you didn’t make me wait?
ME: *pulling a gun* haha no I’m Canadian
“Just don’t flip them off, you’ll be fine”
Me, adivising a nervous friend before their job interview
She said she wanted the D so I showed her our son’s report card.
ACQUAINTANCE: (crying) Nobody likes me
ME: I like you
ACQUAINTANCE: (crying harder) Nobody good likes me
“WATERMELON” HAS 4 SYLLABLES. “ILLUMINATI” HAS 5 SYLLABLES. THAT’S PRETTY CLOSE. WATERMELON IS ILLUMINATI.
For legacy verified accounts whose check hasn’t disappeared, for just $7 a month I will reply to every one of your posts and tell people you didn’t pay for twitter.
Sadiq’s joke in today’s Time Out 👏🏼👏🏼👏🏼
If my kids made a Lego Movie song
Everything Is Stickyy
Anywhere Is Cool For Wiping Your Hands
Everything Is Stickyyy
And Mommy Will Scream
I wish I was Jean Claude Van Damme, not to be able to roundhouse kick my co-worker, but to bore him to death as I act out a scene.
[first day as a fireman]
So you’re telling me my arms will not be shooting fire?
FRIEND: do you drive stick?
ME: no I drive car.
Me: “I peed three times last night”
Her: “Don’t you hate getting up and going to the bathroom?”
Me: “Getting up?”
they said marry your best friend but then got all weird when I proposed to my dog pick a lane
Noah’s wife: the ark is falling apart
Noah: glue might work, I have an idea
Horse: it’s weird he brought 3 of us