If I was a vegetable I’d be asparagus. You don’t want to eat it because it’s weird, then you love it until the next day when everything smells
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My husband just asked me “what are you eating now?” He’s officially declared war
“Never go to bed angry” is some solid advice if you want to stay up until 3am fighting
My 4 year old told me to just turn the tire around as the top part isn’t flat. I don’t care if it’s wrong – that’s still some great logic.
Triscuits are great because it reminds us that our gums can get splinters too.
[being murdered]
me: this is free, right?
Me: Welcome back to Fishin’ with Jesus. We only caught two fish so far-
Jesus: [standing on water] Count those fish again *winks at camera*
[whispering to date while watching Chappie when Chappie first appears on the screen] That’s Chappie
“NO SHIT!”
~Urinals
Me: Air
Her: Tornado
Me: …
Me: Now you’re just twisting my words around.
Why learn a second language, when you don’t have anything interesting to say in your first one?
Huh… I wonder if I should tell my friend that his back tattoo doesn’t say what he thinks it says.
I’m thankful for cell phones because carrying around 85,626 photos of my dog in my wallet wouldn’t be easy.
[Day at the beach]
*Puts suits on kids, slathers them with sunscreen, makes sandwiches, packs cooler, packs beach bags, lugs 50 lbs or crap to beach, trudges over sand, lays out blanket, puts up umbrella, sets up beach chairs, *
6yo after 30 minutes: I wanna go back home
Me: You know what they say, “sticks and stones may break my bones-“
Doctor: Yes that’s exactly what happened.
you ran a half marathon? that’s really cool, i’ve almost finished a bunch of things too
[tries to walk into my How to Use a Revolving Door class and ends up outside again] what the heck
me [drunk| *eats all the Cheetos*
also me [drunk] Who ate all the Cheetos?
Medication for depression “may cause thoughts of suicide”. If this were so for all meds then:
Diet Pills..may cause ravenous hunger
GOOD COP: Tell us what you know
BAD COP: Or we’ll turn up the heat
DAD COP: DON’T YOU TOUCH THAT DAMN THERMOSTAT
God: you’re a kiwi.
Kiwi: so I’m a bird but I can’t fly?
God: true but you can do something other birds CAN’T.
Kiwi: really what’s that?
God: you can smell through your beak so good!
Kiwi:
God:
Kiwi: wanna know what I smell right now?
God: sure!
Kiwi: I smell bullsh-
[flirting with Jesus]
So…is there a queen of the Jews
I hate it when I forget to cut the tags off my sandwich and everyone’s like “New sandwich?”
customer service: so the vacuum works just fine but you want to return it cuz it’s… too loud?
me: [looks over at dog] that is correct
Wife: can you pick up milk?
Me, flexing: what do you think?
Wife: just get a small carton
Him: [running his fingers through my hair] is… is this part of a cookie?
Tonight we’re cooking together, period. I’ll serve the cereal, you pour the milk
Pringles
*Myself at the doctor*
Is this test absolutely necessary?*Taking my dog to the Vet*
Whatever test is necessary, spare no expense.