When a Honda Element crashes into another Honda Element it becomes a Honda Compound.
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1 Ring to rule them all, 1 Ring to find them, 1 Ring to bring them all & in the darkness bind them. 3 rings to let Mum know you’re home safe
My cat knocked my phone into the toilet so now I have to shop for a new cat.
[at a wine tasting]
Me: *sips and swishes*
Employee: Sir, you can’t drink inside the grocery store
Destroying entire ecosystems by cleaning out my car
In my experience, people who say “I’m not trying to be difficult,” don’t really seem to be trying all that hard.
Being a Zombie doesn’t sound that bad. You don’t have a job and your entire day is spent looking for things to eat. Shit, I do that now.
Waiter: Can I get you a drink and would you like an appetizer?
Me: Woah! What’s with all the questions?
Me: Do you have this in my size? I’m a medium.
Shop assistant: Oh, well you tell me then.
girlfriend: I’m seeing someone behind your back
me: *believes in ghosts* is it my grandpa
I liked having a roommate because I could always tell myself she was sneaking my peanut butter & that’s why I went through it so fast. Then, I learned she has a peanut allergy. I’m moving out.
When my phone rings, I stay very, very still. If I don’t move, it can’t see me.
Several of my internal organs hurt, but I’m 100% sure it’s not my body trying to tell me something.
Um … Hot Wings please
My summer body has been pending for about ten years
I want a boyfriend but I also want the pizza all to myself so you see my dilemma
me: congrats, when is the baby due
pregnant librarian: oh it’s mine i get to keep it
Mormon cats have 9 wives.
Financial Advisor: You should think about diversifying your assets.
Me: You mean like buying shorts that aren’t cargo?
I could totally identify with REM if the song had been called “Losing my Shit” instead
If a drunk falls in the woods and no one is there to hear him, why did I go camping?
Nobody:
Baby Carrot Factory Foreman: “Carrots are nice, but how about we pour a cup of water into each bag too?”
I only keep Facebook for the birthday reminders and to randomly unfriend people so they wonder what they did wrong.
Irony. The opposite of wrinkly.
You guys, I seriously never ask for prayers but this is an emergency. There is a rumor that Red Lobster might be closing. Pray. Pray hard.
Her: Make me a mimosa.
Me: But we’re out of orange juice.
Her: I don’t see the problem.
*in an interview*
Me: Tell me a time when you really struggled in your previous job.
Applicant: 5-7PM po.
Me:
Applicant: 8PM.
Me:
I started to cook breakfast and my 8yo hopped up to me and chirped, “I can make eggs.”
And then she did.
She made perfect scrabbled eggs.
How long has she been trolling me, sitting at the breakfast table pretending that she cannot even pour herself a drink?
Winner of the first annual socially distancing award goes to…
interviewer: how would u describe yourself
me: unemployed
I have a job interview tomorrow via Zoom and I’m just crossing my fingers that they won’t make me stand up.