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TEACHER: what do you want to be when you grow up
ME: vindicated
“We all have two lives. The second begins when you realize you only have one.”
~ Tom Hiddleston
I now have so many pet peeves that I’ve had to hire someone to walk them during the day.
Where’d he go? 😂💛
doggosbeingdoggos
When a kid wants to snuggle it means you’re about to get warmth in your heart and an elbow to every single one of your other organs.
my best friend complained about her husband to me yesterday & I advised her to leave him.
Today she tweeted “No monkey can separate us ”
My childhood left me with unreal expectations about how often I would see pies used as weapons.
95% of your time as a parent is spent trying to figure out who broke it, who stole it and who ate it
My girlfriend didn’t hear what I said while I was sitting beside her on the couch so to make sure she heard me I went in the other room and muttered under my breath
I’m not saying my job sucks, I’m just saying that if you tried to abduct me in the office parking lot on my way into work, I’d struggle just until I was out of view of the corporate security cameras. Then I’ll happily get in your van AND I’ll buy you breakfast at Waffle House.
Holmes: “I say, old bean, is that mud on your boots?” Watson: “No, shit, Sherlock”
The ketchup bottle always teaches you new ways it can destroy your shirt.
doing some research
If you ever see me sleeping with one leg sticking out from under the blanket please don’t cover it back up, that’s my climate control system
I accidentally squirted body spray in my mouth and now I speak with an Axe scent.
Can u imagine getting married and having a family and staying in love until u die, then waiting in the afterlife for your wife to join you and she finally dies and ditches u for a dude she knew for three days on a boat instead?? Anyway I’d give Titanic a 9/10
Me: but the therapist told me I should face my fears
Wife: *seething* not your fear of dropping a baby you idiot
Me: calm down it wasn’t even our baby
Autumn. When libraries see the classics fly off the shelves as people look for heavy books to press leaves.
Women I sleep with get so weird when I ask them to sign the guestbook.
I’m smoking, skyping, putting on makeup, tweeting and I haven’t spilled 1 drop of my beer. I’m the best driver ever.
A fake ice cream truck undercover surveillance company called ‘Inside Scoop’
I wish kid’s socks were biodegradable and came on rolls like paper towel. Just rip off a new pair every day and throw the only one you can find from yesterday in the garden
Having a tattoo in a hidden place is really just entertainment for the coroner.
PSYCHATRIST: wat do u see
ME: a rorschach test
PSYCHATRIST: and this one?
ME: a inkblot used to test my psyche
PSYCHATRIST: (starts sweatig)
[stabucks]
barista: can i get a name?me: sure. you look like a Tiffany
barista: no i mean a name for the order
me: oh! we’ll call this “coffee from Tiffany”
GIRLFRIEND: I think maybe you’re reading into this.
ME: *Stops packing my suitcase and holds up the one curly fry in with my regular fries* Why would this happen unless I’d been chosen for something?
*Squatting over cat litter box*
Husband: What the fu-
Me: THERE’S A SPIDER IN THE BATHROOM
I can never understand what our accent chair is saying.
My wife’s biggest fear isn’t that we’ll die from Coronavirus, it’s that we’ll die from Coronavirus and the kids will go through our stuff and find out that mom and dad were into some really freaky shit.
Love it when people who don’t eat sushi cringe and ask, “isn’t that just raw fish?”
Like the waiter is going to bring you a bucket of trout heads and feed you like a seal.