A child is being pushed around in a pink toy convertible while eating a chocolate frosted donut, and I want to ask her how she got this job.
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I would like to publicly state my support for Some Sex Marriage.
*Takes ex girlfriend’s poem on Antiques Road Show*
Sir these are worthless
*Winks at camera*
Told you Karen!
Only whores show their boobs. Only uptight bitches won’t show their boobs. Please show me your boobs. Women are crazy. – men
My Bread Shop may have turned a profit if I stuck with the original name: Rolling In Dough instead of: Yeast Infection Connection.
“The fridge door is open!” I yell from upstairs because I’m a woman and I can sense these things.
Me to pregnant friend: Instead of practicing on a doll, I recommend you try to bathe, diaper, and swaddle a cat.
Friend: [exaggerated eye roll]
***6 months later***
Friend: Why didn’t anyone prepare me for reality?
Me: … [whispers] meow.
just had a really bad argument with some guy I invented in my head
@IGotsSmarts @funTweeters & wouldn’t it be crude to Jude if someone laid Law?
A fun thing to do is sit on the couch with black buttons over your eyes while your kids watch Coraline, then wait for them to notice.
Medium: You want to contact your late husband?
Me: Yes.
Medium: How do you intend to pay for this?
Me: OMG it’s him.
The carwash is a great place to meet other millionaires who for some reason don’t have garden hoses.
Me: I have a hemorrhoid that looks like Don King.
Customs agent: I meant do you have any goods to declare?
You, idiot: Bill Gates
Me, a genius: Invoice Doors
The water drought in California is so bad, that someone broke into my cousins house and stole his waterbed.
Imagine the shock of seeing her in RL with her average sized eyeballs and no antlers…
Restaurant bathrooms are really, really dangerous.
So many of my 1st dates have gone to use them and vanished.
I accidentally vacuumed up a live spider, so I did the right thing and returned the vacuum cleaner to Costco.
[1 AM]
BRAIN: Let’s play the insomnia game.
ME: Nope. *downs NyQuil*
BRAIN: How dare you…
ME: *drifts off*
BRAIN: Begin diarrhea subroutine!
Preacher: CAN I GET AN AMEN?!?
Me: [from back row] MAY you get an amen
*exercises sarcastically*
she died as she lived: screaming “FOR THE LOVE OF GOD HAVE ANY OF YOUR SCREENWRITERS EVER MET A HUMAN WOMAN?????” at her computer screen
[princess gets captured in a castle]
[princess breaths a sigh of relief cuz she knows 2 short Italian plumbers]
“I knew the dame was trouble when she waltzed into my offfice with a green diamond floating over her head.”
When I was a kid, I wanted to be Stephen Hawking. Now that he’s dead, that feeling is even stronger
New trend:
“Haunting”
It’s the opposite of ghosting. You break up, but hang around relentlessly.
My 8 year old just pointed a lady into the direction of the toy section at this K-Mart and now he’s the assistant manager
Brownie points would be better if we could eat them.
Just blocked everyone who is not in my gang so if you’re reading this, we’re robbing a bank in 12 minutes
*[at the sperm bank]*
I’ll have a cup of Joe, please.
Def Leppard: “Pour some sugar on me. Ooh, in the name of love”
Def Leppard’s Mom: “Just great! Now we’re going to have ants!”