FOR SALE: air guitar, never played
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Me: The house is clean!
Kid: Hold my juice box!
Psychic: I’m also a medium.
Me: I’m a large or extra large depending on the brand.
Me: This spaghetti is spicy.
Aquarium Employee: Did you just bite an electric eel
My wife is not happy with some of the comments in the anonymous suggestion box I attached our bed.
Me: I have lots of black pants because they are so versatile and go with everything.
Also, me: I cannot wear that yellow shirt with black pants because I will look like a bumble bee.
Imagine if your anxiety and your metabolism swapped jobs
NURSE: I promise. It’s ok. You can come in.
MAILMAN (trembling): are..are you sure
DR DOG: *locked in his office just going freakin nuts*
i forgot the term for sell-by date and called it a spoiler alert
IT guy just called to say “ok, you’re cute” I told him that’s sweet but I don’t actually date at work, he paused for a long time and said the application you asked me about? It’s queued.
One of my new rescue dogs is really into laying on the couch and watching FRIENDS.
I think he’s my soulmate.
Legend states that when you’re struggling with the kids and at your absolute breaking point, a stranger will immediately appear to say, ‘you sure look like you have your hands full’ before laughing and walking away
BUILDING INSPECTOR: Well, you say you’ve kept everything up to code, but I’ve been speaking with your 4 year old and he informed me the floor is actually lava, which—I don’t need to tell you—is a pretty serious safety violation.
Lawyer: do you watch people use the bathroom?
Defendant: no
Lawyer: spell “ICUP”
Defendant: I-C-U-P
Judge: *softly* omg
Jury: *whispering*
12 decided he’s into vinyl, so he got a record player for Christmas. His new name is DJ TURNITDOWN!
wife: we should get a pet
me: *nodding* a wolf
wife: are you insane? those are dangerous
me: a large dog
wife: ok thats a good compromis-
me: that hates the moon
me: *chopping onions*
wife: shouldn’t you use a knife?
me: i took karate lessons for a reason, linda
*at psychic reading*
Psychic: you probably think you’re wasting your time
Me: Ooh you’re good
This kinda thing happens to me often
My 2yo likes to “play bedroom” where she has me go lie down on my bed and then she closes the bedroom door and runs away. Actually one of the better games she’s come up with.
Friend: Have you ever seen a hummingbird?
Me: [trying to imagine a bird with lips]
maybe ancient civilizations wouldn’t have died out if they’d built regular buildings instead of these dumb ruins
Me: Siri, how hot does fire need to be to burn a body.
Siri: Kris, we go over this once a week. Make a note.
Toddler: *crying* where are my cheese pants!?
Me: your what?
Toddler: MY CHEESE PANTS
Me: I’m confused
Toddler: I NEED MY CHEESE PANTS
Me: *crying* someone help me
To do list:
1) Kill the fly in my room.
2) Try to snort multivitamins.
3) Practice Hadouken in mirror.
4) Kill the fly’s loved ones.
[being interviewed from a lily pad in a fetid bog] I mean, if you think about it who hasn’t lied to a witch at some point?
People who think only God can judge them have obviously never met my mother-in-law.
Been getting into gardening lately and I think it’s going well!
When I see someone at a carwash late at night, I assume they’ve just committed murder.
If you ever feel like a complete moron never forget that I managed to text my wife today that she forgot her mobile at home. You’re welcome.
my dream is being pitted against the world’s greatest AI in a writing contest and crafting a story that’s so beautiful that I make the computer cry…