* on a date snuggling *
Me: Did you enjoy dinner?
Her: Yeah, but now I feel fat.
Me: Get your hands off my belly.
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Him: I love to feel my hair blowing in the breeze
Me: please put your pants back on
Been getting better gas mileage since I decided to turn off my car when I’m crying alone in parking lots.
Intermittent fasting between breakfast and lunch then again between lunch and snack time. Then, you guessed it, between snack time and dinner then one more time between dinner and my late night beer and cheese tray. Just being healthy, I’m a health nut now
Me: Why are any of us here, really? What’s the point? Is there something bigger?
Cop: No, I meant why are you here, in this bank at two in the morning
I almost ran somebody over yesterday, I guess I’ll have to try harder next time
Paul is coming over tonight
Paul smith or Paul who puts ketchup on everything?
[car pulls into driveway covered in ketchup]
FIRST GUY TO EAT A BANANA: hey this is good come here and try it
FIRST GUY TO SLIP ON A BANANA PEEL: ok
My mothers nearly 80 and she still doesn’t need glasses. She drinks right out of the bottle!
“Is that a dead body?” I heard a young child ask her mom as they passed me by. So, yeah, skiing is going pretty well.
[first time trying standup]
Me: So, I was talking to a friend recen-
*from the back* LOL YEAH RIGHT
Me: Please, mom, not now
Math Problem: Tom has 35 apples. Richard gives him another 26. What does Tom have now?
Me: A terrified doctor.
By the age of 30 you should have a collection of grocery bags that you store in a grocery bag.
Fell asleep in the Natural History Museum again, now everybody thinks I’m an exhibit
I’d be fine with a ghost in the house if every time a message in blood appeared on a wall it was something constructive like IS THAT WHAT YOU’RE WEARING?
Next time you let someone here affect your real life, tell a stranger “I’m mad at some online person I’ve never met” then let them punch you
Editor’s note: sorry about ‘snowboard’ typo, should be ‘snowboarder’ found dead
Wife: did you know hippos kill way more people every year than sharks?
Me: how? by sitting on them? lol.
Hippo: [in the booth next to ours at Denny’s] I’m gonna kill him.
Big Foot rental costumes are surprisingly realistic and terrifying at 4am around the bonfire at the party I wasn’t invited to.
if aliens came to earth and found out that there was a department called ‘human resources’ in every single business they’d be like “oh crap there are other aliens here already” and i think that is very smart of us
Her: You are a good looking guy
My brain: She likes you don’t make this weird
My mouth: You too
My brain: He shoots and hits a baby in the upper bleachers
me: (calls out the wrong name during sex)
gf: who the hell is waluigi
What rank in the military do you need to get to before they let you be fat?
If your store sells carpet and tile and you’re not advertising a July Floor-th sale then what are you even doing?
That escalated quickly
– Me to 4 unamused strangers on the Mall escalator.
I took a shower bc hobo is an aesthetic not a scent
When you try to be humble and say it’s no big deal and they agree with you😭.
HAGRID: You’re a wizard, Harry.
ME: I’m not Harry.
H: Henry, you’re, there’s a blizzard.
M: Are you drunk?
H: Glenn, I’m a tugboat.
I have photos of myself with my ex boyfriends all over my home. My husband likes it cause he says it’s part of my history.
I’m just wondering how long it’s going to take someone to notice I’m eating this pudding cup with a pen.
Find a penny
Pick it up
All day long
You’ll have lower back pain