ME: [opening present from kids] Partially eaten chocolate coins?
KIDS: You said you wished you had hundreds of bit coins!
ME: [hiding pain of crippling debt] Haha I love it
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Literally nothing gives me more anxiety than when someone asks me what I like to do for fun.
If I had to homeschool kids because of the pandemic, recess would be 6 hours long.
dropping acid is irresponsible like damn bro don’t be so clumsy
I schedule my tweets pretty far out in advance, so I might not be funny now, but I’ve got a banger coming in August of 2037.
you know that feeling, as a kid, you’re out shopping with your mom, and
shopkeeper, be like $1,200,
then mom, without shame, be like $17.so you jump to death from the check-out desk.
I know I’m not alone but my biggest pet peeve is when one of the residents in my home yells from the kitchen to no one in particular (me), “ARE THE DISHES IN THE DISHWASHER CLEAN OR DIRTY?”
[interview]
HIM: What are your strengths?
ME: Well, I can see dead people.
HIM: Wow, interesting. Any hobbies?
ME: Grave digging
My favorite superheros are.. Baskin and Robbin!
Is your posture perfect? Consider a life of crime. No one suspects the upright citizen.
My 13yo son pays monthly for Snapchat+ so he can get a better Bitmoji and I would probably make fun of this if I hadn’t previously paid for Favstar
*gets lockjaw when putting on eyeliner*
My run for political office would be short but filled with food eating competitions.
Surfing is a good choice for people who like skateboarding but wish it had more sharks.
people will say “oh i love the vaccine” and then only get it once or twice
I work like this:
Not hungry
Not hungry
Not hungry
Not hungry
I WILL PUNCH A HORSE FOR HIS FEED BAG AND EAT YOUR BABY FOR DESSERT.
Too full.
My 7yo was on FaceTime with her bestie before dinner tonight, and kept muting the mic unless she was talking because I’m “embarrassing” so I’ve got that going for me.
Mayo fridge always be filled with condiments
One thing I’ve learned about this world is that there are always going to be people who want to change you.
-babies
Last Minute Gift Idea:
Chew with your mouth closed.
My phone autocorrected “gym” to “fun” so I threw it in the trash bc it’s obviously broken.
I’m not a fan of having things on my wrist but I’d definitely get the Apple iCarceration ankle monitor
I lost my virginity once and lemme tell you…
NEVER. AGAIN.
When I force-quit my computer and then start it again, it turns into my parents. It’s not angry, just disappointed that Windows was not shut down properly.
Bong hits bring all the cheetos to my jaw, and it’s like, nom nom nom nom.
Friend: are you mad?
Me: what no
Friend: you look mad
Me: I have 4 kids it’s just my face
I annoyed my kids so bad they told ME to go to bed.
So it looks like this parenting thing has come full circle.
5yo: dad, do you control your emotions or do your emotions control you?
Me: come on man it‘s the weekend
Girls take a picture of their legs in a bubble bath and say “guess where I am”
The library?
There’s a certain kind of voodoo involved when it takes forever to lose 5 pounds, and only one cupcake to gain it back.
Not me, making a fresh batch of no bake cookies because I don’t want the kids to know I ate all of the no bake cookies we made yesterday.