there are 2 wolves inside me, but please no one tell my landlord
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The answer is funnier than the question
Crouching tiger, public toilet seat.
[slug spy] you’ll never take me alive *bites salt capsule*
Look, I know you really miss her. But, you know what? Sometimes things aren’t meant to be. One time I really wanted this waffle….
Substitute teaching 1st graders was not at all the Dead Poets Society experience I was hoping it would be.
Hello everyone, this is your captain speaking. The plane’s going down. Look, stop screaming, that’s not going to make me a better pilot
Cowboy outfits should be called ranch dressing.
Interviewer: So, why do you want to work here?
Me: Well, I don’t really want to “work” here, per se…I just really need the paychecks.
Uber is great because it gives me an opportunity to talk down to people that have nicer cars than me.
Pro tip: Get two photos that are ten years apart and label your before photo as your after and your after photo as your before.
PATIENT: I bet medical school was pretty tough
DR DOG: yeah I remember one time I did an assignment 4 times bc I ate the first 3 copies lol
My Christmas letter this year includes a bonus DVD of my colonoscopy.
We tested 3 new dishwashers at Home Depot before the salesperson made us take our dirty dishes back out to the car.
Hank is one in a melon.
Salad is being recalled. Do you know what’s never been recalled? Oreos.
“What that moth do?”
– Me after hearing the bug lamp explode
Here’s something no one talks about: the kiss-of-death retweeter. They happen to RT your jokes no one else does, so they become the sole retweeter. And if they RT something right away you’re like “that must have sucked.” Anyway stop it Mom.
*first day in prison orientation*
Warden: Are there any questions?
Me: uh…any possibility of…say…field trips?
Warden: …
Me: *looks around* oh…like I’m the only one who wanted to know!!?!
My kids have started saying things to us like “You’re 41 now, you should be able to sit through dinner”. Touché kids, touché.
me: hey, you wanna get outta here?
museum guide: lady, i already told you they don’t come alive at night. please get away from the david statue
“Nevertheless”
~ Me, when choosing a piece of cake or pie
friends who just got married: We were kind of hoping you’d stick to the registry.
me *crestfallen*: you don’t like the jukebox of screams?
asking santa clause for nudes
ME: this check-up is pointless, I’m in my prime
DOCTOR: did… did your hip just dislocate when you sat down?
ME: this chair isn’t regulation height
Can’t trust anyone that refuses to admit
They are wrong.Sidenote: I do have a place to hide their bodies.
WIFE: I want u to be more spontaneous
ME: ok
[later]
ME: *hides in closet with goalie mask on waiting for her to walk by*
the pumpkin was invented in 1942 when a watermelon put on a pair of corduroys.
Just ghostbustered some flies with the vacuum – hope you idiots like legos
I received a bank alert text for suspicious activity. I was buying fruit.