Not now, kids.
Daddy’s pretending to be a woman on the Internet
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What’s it like to have 5 kids? Imagine the noise at a Jamba Juice and none of the blenders have lids.
There is no doubt in my mind, I would trade my ovaries for another liver.
I don’t want to party like it’s 1999, I want to go grocery shopping like it is.
Fun idea! Complimentary deodorant with each transit fare purchase.
The first rule of Nun Club is “no dirty habits.”
Going into Monday like
“I call it orange soda cause it’s orange and soda”
-My 4yo inventing orange soda
That’s enough internet for the day
IF YOU THINK IM GONNA SMILE BECAUSE IT REQUIRES FEWER MUSCLES YOUVE GOT ANOTHER THING COMING. NO OFF DAYS, WELCOME TO FROWN TOWN, BABY
Homosexuality is found in over 450 species. Homophobia is only found in two. Help us get rid of the Ecuadorian fag-hating spider 🙁
Girl, are you an umbrella? Because you’re never with me when I need you & I’ve forgotten you at a restaurant 4 or 5 times.
Mom asked about a stock she’s owned for 20yrs called Amazon & I’ve mostly been telling her I love her & reminding her my brother never calls
*eats Big Mac meal*
*has two ice cream cones for dessert*
*drives by gym**wonders why new diet and fitness plan isn’t working*
Did you know that if you squint at a cat and it squints back, it’s the cat’s way of saying “What the f are you looking at?!”
I have snuck past my husband’s work video meetings enough times to know I would make a terrible ninja.
My doctor: you really need to work on getting that D into you
Me: bro I’m trying, I’ve got a date next week and everything
If you ever get attacked by a shark, just be a good sport about it and let it eat you. Hey, look on the bright side: It’s a rare occurrence, so you’re special.
Patient: There’s blood everywhere. It was horrific.
911 Dispatcher: And you said the hypnotist did this?
Patient: I think so. I was asleep.
911: Any idea what set him off?
Patient: I dunno. He just snapped.
*spills water on pants*
ok don’t let anyone think you peed your pants
“hey what happ–”
MY WATER BROKE, GET ME TO THE HOSPITAL
A spider built his web across my door and I walked straight into it and for a moment I bet he dared to dream that he’d pulled off that one big heist that would finally let him retire.
How to resolve a complaint from neighbours
Mugger: Give me your wallet!
Me: Back off! I know karate.
*later*
Me: Well, he called my bluff.
Doctor: You have lost a lot of blood.
“are you sure these x-rays are safe?”
[doctor 12 feet away behind a lead wall] you’re fine
Sup girl, I hear u like bad boys
*I open the wrong side of juice carton*
*evil spirit flies out*
Oh, so that’s why they say don’t do that
What’s for dinner?
-A question asked by children who have no intention of eating the answer.
ME: let’s not fight
DOCTOR: you punched me
ME: you stabbed me
DOCTOR: with a needle
ME: let’s not fight
Him: You put feathers of a crow in this drink?
Me: Yes, I made sure they all came from 1 crow. It’s…
Him: Please don’t.
Me: …single molt
life finds a way
This guys gifted me lighter, I guess he is my cigarette santa.
Call me old-fashioned, but I think if a kid’s old enough to feel comfortable saying, “Christ, Dad, can’t this thing go any faster?” they should get out of the stroller and walk.