Caught my son chewing on electrical wires.
So, I grounded him.
He’s doing better currently and conducting himself properly.
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Horses are a great pet for anyone who’s ever wished their bicycle could make bad choices
[Takes out scrunchie and shakes out my slicked back ponytail] Take the mugshot again.
I got the words yakuza and jacuzzi confused the other day.
Now I’m in hot water with the Japanese mafia.
Boss: Can I have a quick word?
Me: Rapid
Boss:
Found newspaper from day my son was born. Originally saved so he could see news of that day. Now saving so he can see what a newspaper was.
I think airplanes would be way cooler if the wings flapped like a bird
pronouncing “vegan” like “began.”
I think that as a reward for losing 200 lbs you should be able to use all of that loose skin to become a human version of a flying squirrel.
When you say “You’re gonna hate me for this” you’re making an awfully large assumption that I don’t hate you already
*aggressively skips to my Lou*
The Batcave was 14 miles outside of Gotham City. Close enough for Batman to fight crime, far enough away for Bruce Wayne to avoid ridiculous tax rates.
A gun is like a coupon that works anywhere
Peanut butter
You’re almost as good as chocolate
Which is almost as good as cheese
Which is tied with vodka-Poem about the food pyramid
[eyeing a beautiful woman]
ME: mmmm I love tight yoga pants
HER: they look terrible on you
If the future is now, then how come the pizza I’m gonna order later isn’t here yet?
I am not on a plant based diet but my lungs are
This day in history. 2004. Ken announced that he had broken things off with Barbie but not to avoid another outrageously extravagant Valentine’s Day no not at all.
MR. PEANUT: so you expect me to help sell members of my own kind to be eaten by humans?
BOSS: yeah. you get to wear a top hat and a monocle tho
MR. PEANUT: throw in some gloves and a cane and you’ve got yourself a deal
Sometimes I type a ‘C’ when I meant to type an ‘A’. And now I have to apologize to my ‘Aunt’
My mom would complain about no cabinet space but also kept an entire set of “Nice” dishes in case the President stopped by or something.
Me: *gets up to go pee*
My dog: *snaps awake from a dead sleep* FOLLOW YOU INTO THE BATHROOM & KEEP WATCH, GOT IT!
I stopped swearing, because kids. Then I started swearing, because kids.
People who can’t tell the difference between whole numbers and decimals are missing the point.
Wife: Whatcha doing?
Me: Re-enacting Noah’s Ark.
W: How?
M: I’m gonna try to fit 2 of every animal cracker in my mouth.
W: Idiot.
M: Mmmrrf.
[asking a girl out]
ME: So do you have a dog?
HER: Yes, I do. She’s very playful.
ME: *nervously* Do you know if she’s busy later?
How I like cutting carbs
What is this special type of waffle called a “Tennis racket” and why does it taste like metal wires?
Sperm 1: I think I’ve got a shot at a Nobel Peace Prize.
Sperm 2: Not me, I’m looking for a cure for Cancer.
Sperm 3 through 18.2 Mil: We’ve heard good things about the Xbox.
Just know that if I pretend my hand is a gun and I start playing Russian roulette I’m not really listening anymore.
I wouldn’t want lesbian parents. Not because I’m homophobic. I just don’t want to get stuck in an endless loop of “Go ask your mother.”