My parents never allowed violent video games. Just family-friendly board games with questions like, “Who murdered this guy with a pipe?”
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All my life, I never thought I’d wake up at 6am to go jogging…and I was right.
I am on a diet. This is just my cheat decade
“Mom, can you make me a snack and bring it upstairs?”
Me: “No! What is this, Denny’s?”
“Mom, Denny’s doesn’t have an upstairs.”
An agenda reveal party, where I surprise everyone with all the things I hope to accomplish this weekend.
I’m not saying I’m an idiot…
But if some village comes looking…tell them you never saw me.
Me: “Aw, your baby is cute. How old?”
Woman: “Thanks, she’s 34 weeks. Do you have the time?”
Me: “Sure, it’s 972 minutes past midnight.”
I don’t have a lot of notes for pilots, but I do think they should cut their use of the word “final” down to about zero. “Descent” and “destination” work fine for our purposes out there in the main cabin.
c’mon!
The best way to avoid awkward moments with homeless people is to ask them for money before they ask you.
Yeah but how many of you can say you’ve managed to get your head stuck in the strings of a piano
Him: What’s in the oven?
Me: Freud chicken.
Him: You mean fried.
Sigmund: Let me out!
Chicken: Me too!
5 [falls down playing in creek]: ow my leg! Dad I need a Band-Aid!
Me: You’re not bleeding, Band-Aids are for when we bleed
5: I neeeeeeed one!
Me [sighing and preparing for placating, goes to put Band-Aid on leg]
5: not there! On my arm!
To myself: ” Try and look like you know what you’re talking about in front of the mechanic. You’re a smart woman, don’t play dumb or you’re gonna get ripped off”
Me at the mechanic: “Car vroom sounds tikatikatika. Tee hee” *hands over credit card
“Platitude” is short for “platypus attitude”.
Me: will I find a wife
Fortune teller: no
Me: u didnt do the thing with the cards
Fortune teller [flips one card, maintains eye contact]: no
found a note in my phone of an idea that just says “birdwatcher with an anger problem” and now I’m wondering what the triggers would be. bird is too far? bird is the same bird every time and you only ever see 1 bird? i’ll keep thinking about it
My toddler is asking all her friends if they like cake. If they say yes, she takes them off her birthday party invite list because she doesn’t want to share her cake. I’m torn between extreme pride and anger that I never thought of this myself
Me: For my 1st wish I want a box of Triscuits
Genie:Are u sure? U can buy them at any store
Me:My 2nd wish is for u to mind ur own business
I give new meaning to the word “awesome.”
At least I did when I changed the Wikipedia entry.
If I knew I was going to have to homeschool my kids, I would have made sure my husband used a condom.
emergency phone
Hey people who emphasize words that end in an E by stretching out that E instead of the vowel that *actually* creates the proper emphasis: I hateeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee you.
The good news: She actually gave me her number
The bad news: She asked for it back after I fell and tripped into a plant walking away
Arkansas was named when a pirate tried to spell Kansas
This mom was judging me cause I was taking my kids to McDonald’s and I thought it was so cute she thought I gave a shit.
An esteemed colleague told me he hard-boils eggs in the morning, uses them as pocket warmers, and then has them as a little mid-morning snack when he gets to work.
Truly, the line between genius and madness is very thin.
Spoiler alert: The people who can’t believe your kid is in Kindergarten already won’t be able to believe they’re in any grade, any year ever
I ate cereal for dinner because I do what I want. I’m an adult.
Oh did I say adult? I meant poor. It’s because I’m poor.
People who shower together but don’t have sex they actually just shower, those are the terrorists. Real boring, uptight, stupid terrorists.
I want to be able to sleep like the dude who had a horse head placed in his bed and didn’t even know it.