I painted today
Everyone complimented me on my turtle
It was a bird, I painted a bird
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Major Tom: This is Major Tom to Ground Control
I’m stepping through the door
& I’m floating in a most peculiar way
GC: New phone. Who dis?
I don’t usually post things like this on here but,
My Mom is in the ICU with the Coronavirus and she’s not doing well.
I’m devestated. She is one of the most important people in my life.
So if any of you could spare some prayers or good thoughts, It would mean the world to me.
The only real importance in life is getting ahead.
Head. I meant to say head.
Genetics are weird. Like only 1 of the kids got my hair color but all of them got my husband’s inability to fully close a drawer.
It’s dumb to call the Super Bowl winner “World” Champions. With all these UFOs they should be called Intergalactic Champions
“Do you ever get the feeling Mitch is an undercover cop?”
[MITCH enters]
MITCH: Hey guys! *speaking into shirt collar* I brought the drugs
Survivor, except it’s just me holding in my pee while talking to a guest at work.
I walked into a gas station & a woman handed me a free slice of pizza
Either Iowa is the nicest state in America or I’ve just been poisoned
me: *taking off shirt* YOU WANT A PIECE OF ME???
dermatologist: once again, it’s called a biopsy
My toddler was about to hit her head on a bar at the playground so I told her to duck and she quacked at me.
And then hit her head.
Cover letter? Here’s my resume twice.
My boss want to sign us up for a 401k. No way I’m running that far.
Thousands of Amazon customers take the time each year to post “haven’t tried it yet” as a review — so no, I don’t overly concern myself with the opinions of internet strangers.
EMERGENCY!!! THERE’S A NEW ONE!!!!!
Online dating has its good points. You can choose your own name, lie through your teeth and you can’t smell their breath.
[FIRST DATE]
Her: I’m a vegan
Me: [*trying to impress her] People hate me too
*walks up with my full head of mongooses*
Medusa: Let’s rock.
[roleplaying]
her: this is weird
me: [dressed as lumiere from beauty and the beast] say “i’ve been burned by you before”
her: [dressed as the feather duster] no
It’s crazy how you can be shopping in a hardware store and need help but can’t find a single employee to help you, then there are times when you don’t need help and five employees will pop up out of no where asking if you need help.
Every. Single. Time.
My eyelashes are like windshield wipers on my sunglasses.
If you get an 8-year-old a drone, you’ll also need batteries and a 26-foot ladder.
Put a mirror on the ceiling.
She said.
It will be sexy.
She said.
Terrify yourself every morning.
I found out.
I removed Sean Connery’s limbs & replaced them with Daniel Craig’s arms & Pierce Brosnan’s legs. They formed an unlikely Bond.
Walmart: Did you find everything you were looking for?
Me: Well, I couldn’t find-
W: *finger to my lips* Shhh! I don’t actually care.
I accidentally spilled water on the rice so I immediately put it in a jar of smartphones.
I didn’t know my apartment shared a wall with the elevator shaft until someone got off in my bedroom.
when someone compliments me
TEACHER: That’s the third time this week – please explain your tardiness
ME: Well, it basically means that I’ve been late
There are only two things in this world visible from space. One is the Great Wall of China and the other is my pile of laundry.
Hate it when I put on active wear and nothing happens.