The Grammy performers prove that no matter age, sex, race, religion or looks, I have no idea who most them are.
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It makes me a little sad that shaking a vending machine might be the closest I ever come to fighting a robot.
Eating Tums is just sage-burning for your intestines.
*my teenage sons being loud, laughing, making inappropriate jokes*
Me: SHHHH! The windows are open & the neighbors are outside!
Son: Well, I’m a little offended they haven’t laughed yet.
Her)What that mouth do?
Me)Usually get me in trouble
Me: Look, I really stuck my neck out for you and-
Vampire: wow
Me: Right off the bat you- No, I’m just saying it bites, I mean it sucks when-
Vampire: WOW
Sit in Starbucks and scream into your phone, “What we need is fresh screenwriting talent! An unknown! Where on earth can we find it?”
[sunset]
Me: [skips chicken nugget across a pristine lake]
[1st Day working at Hotel California]
Guest: Id like 2 check out
Me: Sure! Youre all set!
G: Thanks! [Leaves]
Boss: Can I see u in my office
On average I spend about 25 minutes at Walmart …. and another 2 hours in the parking lot looking for my car.
One of the benefits of eating healthier is that you never have to ask questions like, “Who ate my kale?”
I hate it when I’m on twitter & there isn’t a car behind me to honk when the light is green.
my uber driver watching me wander around the street aimlessly because i have no idea what a toyota crayola is
Me: I made the best decision at that time with the information available
Narrator: he plugged his ears and said “la la la la” at the time
GARDEN STORE MANAGER:
why did you just give that customer a high fiveME: he bought some dirt
GARDEN STORE MANAGER: um ok
ME: and I told him congrats on soiling himself
Most of you didn’t even question if turtles would make great ninjas. You just believed it. I should’ve known then we’d end up where we are.
How do girls remember every word of an argument? I don’t remember what I had for dinner and I’m eating it now
My wife and I just finished an intense 6-month mediation to pick the movie we’re going to fall asleep 10 minutes into.
If he calls you clingy, move in immediately without warning and decorate his bed with 57 throw pillows
in the mid 20s liminal space where if u entertain dinner guests half the people r gonna bring a $30 bottle of natural wine and beautiful salad the other half are going to bring themselves and the largest bag of flamin hot cheetos u have ever seen
my ear. is inside out. and the human. is not home to fix it. i have put the household. on alert level. dark grey.
“My hair is noisy”
“My toe nails are itchy”
“someone peed in my pants”– A list of my 4 year-old’s 3 a.m. Grievances.
I accidentally used my mom’s fabric scissors to cut wrapping paper and now the cops are here
Aight bet
Wife: You’ve been a naughty boy…
Me: Yes I have!
Wife: *Removes mask to reveal she is actually Santa*
Me: NOOOOOOOOOOO
ME: [movie director] Have you ridden a horse before?
ACTOR: I can pick it up as we go along
ME: We really need you on top the horse
ME: forgive me father for I have sinned
PRIEST: nothing that can’t be forgiven my son
ME: I microwave my pop tarts
PRIEST: u sick son of a
If I knew you in high school and your Facebook profile picture is a baby I’ll assume you’re Benjamin Button and unfriend you.
Oh OK thanks for the tip, I was actually planning on letting the bed bugs bite but good call
Me: [trying to keep a stiff upper lip]
Mortician: we’re gonna need that back
I bought a new BMI smart scale so that I could have a technologically advanced and detailed reason to cry every morning.