This is Weller. He picked this flower for you. He also may have eaten a few of them. Not this one though. This one was special. 12/10 we are honored Weller
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My wife is the most beautiful, intelligent person standing right behind me reading my Twitter feed.
13: Can I have the password for Amazon?
Me: Certainly, honey. Ready?
13: Yep
Me: I-N-Y-O-U-R-D-R-E-A-M-S
Is amazed how I go to bed with normal hair and wake up looking like a beat up version of medusa. Am I fighting crime in my sleep? Wtf.
Wife: our toddler just hit me.
Me: hell no! I’m gonna teach her a lesson in manners.
[later]
Me: manners origins date back to the 1700’s and the French word etiquette, which is all about socia-
Daughter: I’m sorry.
Me: please don’t interrupt we have 320 yrs to get through.
Got to my dad’s house and he was showing me all the food he has for me to snack on and he goes “and I have a guacamole ball” what’s a guacamole ball you ask? well I will tell you. an avocado. He has an avocado.
Mornin
Fell on the stairs and I’m happy to report that my dog immediately came to rescue… the empty can of cat food in my hand.
i like to walk around my neighborhood leaving helpful notes in ppls mailboxes, such as, “doric columns don’t belong on a mid-century modern. what is u doing?” or “ur home has a mix of window styles that makes me wonder about the aesthetic you were going for. what is u doing?” or
The Chipotle I went to apologized for not having any lettuce today. I said “It’s cute that you think I’m here for that.”
My wife wants to go on a romantic date for Valentine’s Day so I guess I’ll stay home with the kids.
Hell hath no fury like a woman who doesn’t remember asking you to wake her up from a nap
I don’t use dating sites, I meet girls the old fashioned way: never
they say the average adult has sex 54 times a year. November and December are apparently going to be awesome
Me: i think i’m being hunted by a great white shark
Wife: nonsense, we’re on land
*Weirdly-shaped grandfather clock i don’t remember owning exhales sigh of relief*
Car sex – for when you want risky sex AND improve your twister game
My favorite Yoga Pose is the Upward Facing Couch Potato.
I forgot the word for English so I asked the cab driver if he speaks the common tongue
went into the office today to catch up w my boss and he was like “i can tell you’re really intelligent” couldnt work up the courage to tell him its just a little bit of psychology and pretending to look focused while he talks 80% of the time
People who say they don’t have a mean bone in their body haven’t had their back go out on them.
[pulls away from kissing] do you ever pretend nfl players with dreadlocks swinging around under their helmets are predators
Sorry for loudly singing “Whoomp there it is!” when you took your pants off. It’s been a while.
HER: I’ve missed you so badly.
ME: *pulls hatchet from wall* thank god!
The more dinner parties you host for your family of porcelain dolls, the more real their laughter and conversations become…but they still won’t pick you up at the airport.
Baa!
“My name is–”
Moo!
“My name is–”
Neigh!
“My name is *chickenchicken* Slim Shady.”-Eminem at a farm.
I don’t mean to brag, but I do all my own auto repairs.
*turns up volume*
SEE! THE RATTLING SOUND IS COMPLETELY GONE!
what’s wrong babe? you haven’t touched your shrekfast yet
[At Pharmacy]
Pharmacist: This medi…
Me: Can we just skip to the part where I pay? I brought my own water. I’ll take one now.
When something at the hardware store says it’s universal, that means it will fit every model on the market except the one you have.
Being a grammar perfectionist with big hamds and a small keyboard is the reason I have amger issues.
There is no idea so bad that it cannot be made to look brilliant with the right application of fonts and colours