me: today I made asphalt, mixed paint and got zoning approval
date: that seems like a lot
me: parking garage actually
date: what
me: what
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remember: knives and alcohol don’t mix. knives are solid they don’t mix with anything. why where you trying to drink a knife anyways idiot
*the doctor looks up at me after reviewing my blood test for several minutes*
are you sure you’re not a donut?
When some kids on the street are jumping rope and ask you, a well coordinated adult in your own mind, to jump in, don’t do it.
I repeat, don’t do it.
Teacher: Thanks getting here at such short notice. It’s about your son.
Me: Clive? What’s he done?
Teacher: Well, he said to another boy in class that “My dad could beat up your dad” and-
Me: What is going on?
Teacher: We are going to find out. This is Mr Smith.
I was in a band during the 80s called The Prevention. We were better than the Cure.
ANYTHING can be considered your job if you hate it enough.
[cat and dog meet for negotiations]
Mediator: We’re just beginning this process, so right now everything is on the table.
Cat: *smiles*
Dog: Oh no.
“I missed you today.”
“Awwww I missed you too.”
*both frantically reload dueling pistols*
Alas, my disappointment when I walked into Banana Republic and wasn’t greeted by Chancellor Banana Bananason
I’ll believe corporations are people when conservatives ban them from marrying each other.
i’m vegetarian, but sometimes i introduce myself as vegan so people will leave me alone
The first step to admitting you have a problem is having a problem.
ten years ago we had Jason Shoes, Carl Shirt and Daniel Problem. now we have no shoes no shirt no problem welcom to dennys what can i get u
The conditions inside my car have drawn attention from my boyfriend, my mother, and the Center for Disease Control.
Going to be the corpse found at the lowest elevation of Everest ever, like by the parking lot
I’m so full I could puke a horse
I have so much to offer this world but I am so far behind on my shows.
I accidentally bump into a man.
He yells, “What’s your problem, lady?!”
I stare at him. I do not know which problem he is referring to. I have so many.
Me: *from downstairs* what’s it called when a word describes the sound something makes?
Her: it’s onomatopoeia.
Me: on what mat up there?
5 yo: Mommy, did you eat my donut?
Me: No
Husband: Why does he think you would eat his donut?
Me: Because he’s met me
barber: your hair is so dry
pavlov: i forgot to condition it
Came home to find 13 doing the dishes without being asked.
Now I’m just waiting on the police to get here with the news of whatever he did.
Anyone else walk around the house yelling random things so you get weird ads on social media?
My spanish class in high school should have had a bit less
“Where is the bathroom”
and a bit more
“She was dead when we got here”.
It’s bad when the hackers try to return your stolen identity.
I bought a pregnancy test so the cashier who always serves me when I’m by myself in my pjs, buying ice-cream & chips, thinks I have sex.
“Don’t you dare call my lazy friend lazy”, my friend defending my honour
Cop: could you repeat again why you hit him over the head?
Me: I figured a couple of days eating hospital food would make him appreciate my cooking
Therapist: What might you say to your husband next time you’re having this communication issue?
Me: I’m sorry your parents never taught you to use your big boy words but that is not my job so get it together
Therapist: No
Do you ever think about how many people squeezed the avocado that you’re eating?