Them: “I hate to be a…”
Me: “Then don’t.”
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As we debated who would win between Vader and Gandalf, we suddenly realized our dates had left
-Sorry I was sick and missed your party.
-It’s next Saturday.
-Sorry I’m going to get sick and miss your party.
We can put a man on the moon but we can’t find a good way to drink wine from a lying down position.
An epiphany I had earlier today: Most people know nothing about the past, so for them movies like Oppenheimer and Napoleon don’t have known endings
“So after the battle of Waterloo-”
“Shut up man, spoiler warning please”
40 is fun because you feel old as shit and then wham-o your period comes out of nowhere and catapults you right back into your early teens.
one time a kid at recess said i couldnt actually dig a hole to china, i said “Watch me” then walked away. i avoided him the rest of the year
If I had a crystal ball, I’d probably walk differently.
I’ve watched this over 100 times and I still can’t figure out how he did this
Has anyone tried biting a zombie to see if they just turn back into people?
Her:
*puts cherry stem in mouth
*pulls it out with a knot
*winksHim:
*puts earbuds in pocket
*pulls it out with 5 knots
*doesn’t get laid
*looking in The Mirror of Erised*
Harry Potter: *sees his dead parents that he’s never met*
Ron Weasley: *sees a Taco Bell opening in Diagon Alley*
There are poor, helpless kids in Africa who really need our help. But there’s also kids with machine guns so I’m not going.
I tried a push-up once but I decided I really do like lying on my face more.
69% of people find something dirty in every sentence.
My son told me I’m not fat I’m just almost fat and that honestly made me feel really good
If you start a sentence with “I seen”, i’m just going to go ahead and assume the next part will not be “the inside of a book”
Gazing at nature’s majesty, I am one with the woods. This is where I belong, I muse as I’m drilled with a paintball and promptly eliminated
Me: I dreamed my teacher is making me read out endless values of π
Psychiatrist: Is it recurring?
Me: Not as far as anyone can tell
*gets down on one knee*
Wow, you really suck. Why can’t you be more like the other knee?
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who sees you eating the chicken nuggets he said he didn’t want
We’re gonna party like its 1999.
//breaks out Nokia flip phone and starts to panick about Y2K//
I say “Mmmmhmmmm” to 99% of the questions my kids ask me until I notice them looking horrified and then I go, “Wait! What??? NO!”
Loyalty is very important for my wife…
My girlfriend doesn’t care.
Funny how different sisters can be! 😜
If snails are so slow, why don’t we ever see them coming? It’s just BAM, there’s a snail.
My Uber driver doesn’t know that soon he’ll be an accomplice.
“Food expiration dates are lies. It’s all about control.” My knife breaks as I cut into a plate of milk. “I’m saving this for later.”
the thing where a kid draws a scary picture and shows it to his teacher, alerting her to a terrible situation happening at home, but it’s my kid drawing a pic of me eating an entire box of donuts
ME: When Princess Leia kissed Luke, did you know they were brother and sister?
GEORGE LUCAS: *laying in bed* How did you even get in here?
Me: Evil never sleeps
Daughter: STOP CALLING ME THAT
toothfairy had to leave a note apologizing she couldn’t find the tooth last night despite CLEAR instructions to her customers where the designated tooth pick-up spot is.