If u ask me to baby sit 3 and at d end of d day can find only 1, dat is not a reflection on me as a babysitter.i was nevr gud at maths
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my son the little archaeologist informed me that he could tell a remote control he found was ancient because it had a button for PS3
My mom found a Barbie Dreamhouse at a garage sale when I was a kid, but all the stickers were ripped off so I drew on appliances and wallpaper. Debbie, down the street, called it Barbie Crackhouse and now she wants to be my friend on Facebook? Ha!
[party]
me: ugh who invited that guy, he’s so childishher: he’s 7 and it’s his birthday
doctor’s receptionists when you ask them to book you an appointment which is literally their job
When I’m drafting a legal document, I’ll sprinkle the word “herein” all over that shit like it’s paprika.
Thanksgiving fact: Giblets are just Grandma speak for the gross stuff.
My daughter asked me this morning
if this year for Halloween
instead of a mermaid
she could be a wet ghost.Um, a what now?!
This child was talking about a damn JELLYFISH
The Onion went on a tear in the last 12 hours and then this happened
Me: If it waddles like a duck and quacks like a duck, it’s probably a duck.
Daughter: Didn’t you waddle when you were pregnant with my sister?
Me: *stops the car* get out!
My kid is really into Animorphs, so I think he is going to love whatever The Human Centipede is.
Kids: [not eating their chicken Alfredo I made them]
me: eat!
7: it’s not fair
10: yea
me: [eating a giant donut for dinner] what? IM AN ADULT.
5: poop head daddy.
Good news, managed to put the clock forward on the oven.
Bad news, think I’ve got a gas leak now.
Cleaned bathroom sink half hour ago. Then trimmed mustache over sink. Oh … That’s what all those women I lived with were complaining about.
ME: What’s this bit here?
NURSE: …his heart
ME: Hm.
NURSE: Your résumé said you were a surgeon
ME: My résumé says a lot of things
Lovingly painting a Hitler moustache on my mother with a Sharpie so she’ll only go out if it’s absolutely necessary.
who called it an advertising campaign and not an adventure
Getting lucky during a pandemic means I just scored the last bag of doritos in the grocery store.
What I said: GO TO BED!
What my kids heard: Start looking for a toy that was lost 5 years ago.
Me: Hey, wanna do nothing for Valentine’s this year?
Him: Why break tradition?
when someone is in a Christmas eve panic, I always find that “well maybe you should have thought of that sooner” is a helpful phrase
I’M COLD my 7yo screams as she sits next to the AC vent in her underwear
“Stop counting”—-me to my Visa card bill
I don’t go to high school reunions because Facebook lets me judge my old classmates every day and not just every 10 years
“He has no self control!” I mutter angrily as I try to sneak an oreo and realize my husband already finished them
Hoping they’ll teach my kid to flush the toilet in college because there are no indications that he’ll figure it out before then
Tip: “At the same time” has more characters than “simultaneously.”
The point is, having a vocabulary helps you tweet gooder.
“Very colorful, fun. I’d put it in my mouth”
“A bit scary, seems sharp. Still, I’d put it in my mouth”
-Baby reviews of stuff on the floor
INTERVIEWER: I’m sorry, I don’t think you’re really suited for the role of librarian
BRIAN BLESSED: WHY NOT?
From a shark’s perspective, Jaws is a lot like Home Alone.