i put “wake up” and “try to breathe” on my to-do list and long story short it’s 9:30am and guess who’s already had a productive day
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The Royal Family is doing casting calls for blurry white women with brown hair.
Blurry girlies everywhere are like this is our time
[haunted house]
Me: I’m terrified
Jessica: is it the rattling chairs
Erica: is it the bleeding doors
Sarah: is it the possessed portraits
Kate: is it the shaking coffins
Me: I’ve never spoken to this many girls before
Excited for my new sour patch kids diet. I think this is the one
If I ever trip slightly while walking, I make sure to look back and down at the ground so that the people around me know that I’m normally great at walking, but in this particular instance there was something wrong with the ground.
I woke up and put my glasses on and then started looking for my glasses so I’m guessing it’s Monday.
Sorry I marked myself as safe on Facebook after your PowerPoint presentation.
Fact: Chihuahuas shake so much because their blood is two thirds Red Bull.
i hate workimg at the lightbulb factory!! evrey day i hav to thimk of good ideas so they can harvest the lightbulbs that apear abov my head
Hubby just choked after he bit into a grape and it squirted down his throat….
Not as easy as it looks is it?
I love it when Google maps takes me on a little adventure. Dirt road along the highway? Don’t mind if I do.
*Me making playground small talk with other parents*
“Congrats on the sex bro”
8 year old said “Don’t take life too seriously everything finds a way” then I freaked out because I didn’t know there was a kid in my apartment
“get a dog” they said
“it’ll be fun” they said
yeah right, you try explaining to the neighbours about the remains of the 17 ex-lovers it just dug up from your back yard
“Can I speak to your manager please?”
“I AM the manager”
There’s always that one guy
I have entirely too many new bruises for someone who isn’t getting laid
World domination? I don’t even want to be responsible for myself.
i pretend i don’t care about stuff but that’s only because i have no idea what’s going on around me at any given time.
My daughter and I were in a drive thru and the lady said, “She headed to a photo shoot?” And I said, “She’s actually on her way to court.”
She looked surprised so I said, “She’s not in trouble, she’s a lawyer.” And she said, “Well if she was in trouble she wouldn’t be for long.”
[me as a cop]
Me: Mrs Hill?
Woman: yes
Me: it’s Ms Hill now
Woman: huh
Me: ur husbands dead
Woman: h-how?
Me [hand on her shoulder]: he died
Life Hack: Get a dog and a cat and name them Resident and Occupant. Now that junkmail isn’t annoying, it’s adorable.
woops did i leave both of my bowling trophies in my hands during sex again that’s embarrassing
[sexy librarian removes glasses] nice [removes hair] what [takes off wooden arm] NO [rolls glass eye across counter] um, just this book ok
Got Fired by the Zoo for Teaching all the Sloths Tai Chi
Whenever I’m upset with my dog for acting up, I remind her which one of us is the owner and then we laugh and laugh.
If a UFO silently mowed my lawn during the night, I wouldn’t say shit.
I once confused a tube of superglue with a tube of lube.
It was horrible.
My model plane kept slipping apart
To anyone who hates the idea of sequels, remember that there were 181 Blinks before we got the good one.
Netflix: Because you watched that one movie that had Christmas lights in the background of a scene, here are 37 Netflix original holiday movies you might enjoy…
Meteorologist: Dress for the 70s today.
Me: Okay.