Him You’re the reason I’m up at night
Me: Awww
Him: Please stop calling me at 2am
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The more I parent the more convinced I am that the ears on toddlers are purely for decoration.
A lion would probably call a Kenyan runner fast food.
Mike Trout turns 26 today. If he keeps up this pace, he’ll be 30 in four years
Guy: I hate my spouse.
Friend: You gotta end it.
Guy: I also hate myself.
Friend: You gotta en… learn to love yourself!
Vegan pizza…. is basically
just the box.
Thought buying a laptop for 12 would’ve given me some quiet time but here i am filming unboxing videos and crying
Dm: Hi
Me: but have you even accepted Jesus as your Lord and savior?
*crawls out of your television and tries to kill you* I’m not like other girls.
Bored?
Looking for some action?Call my parents and tell them you heard the price of stamps are going up again.
It took me 13 years but I finally deleted most of my e-mails.
A midwife is just the wife between your first and third one
Today in my classroom
Me: I almost didn’t come in to work today
Student: oh, where do you work?
PMS is just an excuse women use to eat all the good snacks & occasionally when committing murder.
*gleefully prepares egg salad sandwiches for milestone birthday party of office nemesis*
I asked my 4-year-old to pick up her toys and she hissed at me like an angry cat. Do I approach the hissing child? Do I let it be? Idk what to do. The parenting books don’t talk about this.
If you get lost on Columbus Day you’re allowed to just choose and occupy a new home, regardless of its current occupants.
The more you know
what I say: WE RIDE AT DAWN
what I mean: Let’s meet at noonish for brunch and a nature walk
*1st time at gym*
*picks up weight*
how do i equip this
*steps on treadmill*
can i get exp on here
*taps huge guy*
do you sell mana potions
*House Hunters
“Greg and Tina have been looking for months. She needs a house that ‘flows,’ and now he longs for the sweet relief of death. Can they both get what they want?”
Tell the Starbucks barista that your name is Voldemort. Watch for those who don’t flinch when the name is called. They will be your allies.
“What’s in your mouth what’s in your mouth what’s in your mouth what’s in your mouth what’s in your mouth what’s” – people with babies
dad: *holds up condoms* what are these
son: …
dad: *pulls out matches* you’re gonna smoke every last one
Lifeguard 1: How was your day?
Lifeguard 2: Sad, I saw a bear in lake
1: How is that sad?
2: He could bearly swim!
1:..
2: He ate 3 campers
Went to a social event for my kid’s new school and they asked the parents to share what your friends like in 7th grade and I told them if I shared that you wouldn’t let your kid hang out with mine.
The field sobriety test was going ok until I grabbed two traffic cones and did a Madonna impersonation.
Who needs Google when you’ve got a brother-in-law who knows it all?
You’re not officially a teacher unless someone you live with has told you that they’re not one of the children in your class and you can’t speak to them like that.
HER: hey, do u come here often?
ME: all the time
HER: do u know if the bartender is single?
excuse me, are you gonna finish those fries
me, interrupting a couple fighting