cow: where does milk come from?
me: *laughs*
cow: *laughs*
farmer: *laughs*
milk man: *laughs*
everyone: *laughs*
cow: but no, seriously.
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Horses kill more people than sharks, which is weird — I didn’t even know horses could live underwater.
The current world population is 7.67 billion people. In 1971, when “Imagine” was written, it was 3.78 billion.
So if you’re listening today you should really only be expected to imagine 49.28% of the people.
next level snooze
[take your kid to work day]
COWORKER: is this your son steven?
ME: actually it’s stephen
COWORKER: oh okay. how old is he?
ME: sephen
Batman
Pros: Intelligence, strategist, master fighter, money, Shit shaped like bats, Alfred
Cons: Robin
Remember, smoking doesn’t kill people. People who are trying to quit smoking kill people.
No thanks, ancestry dot com. I don’t like the family I’m aware of; I really don’t need to know about anyone else
Hey I know I said never to text me again and I hope you die, but do you remember the name of that movie where the one sister is murdered and the other takes on her identity?
(me to my doctor) if you don’t have anything nice to say you shouldn’t say anything at all
DR: So, you’re 36 years old, 4 foot tall & sound like a woman. How can I help you today, Mr Simpson?
BART: I don’t know where my hair starts
me: you look thinner
friend: yeah my job at the deli keeps me active. guess what I weigh
me: meat
friend: what
me: what
“Some people call me the space cowboy”
*leans in*
“Some people call me the gangster of love”
BARISTA: I’m just gonna put Steve on the cup
Never have I ever… rushed out of my house pretending I had to be somewhere & drove around neighborhood to get somebody to leave.
Me: “I’d like to return this lube because it doesn’t work right”
Walmart associate: “Ma’am, that’s hand sanitizer”
Person behind me: “I’ll take it!”
Sleeping Beauty gave me entirely too much hope that there were spells to keep you asleep for years at a time.
I will never feel sorry for people who complain about getting screwed in their divorce.
Hell, I can’t even get screwed in my marriage.
Someone once decided that if you wanted a quick wedding, it should be officiated by an Elvis impersonator
THAT is an influencer
mario: I hate you
wario: and I hate you
mario:
wario:
mario: do you wanna play tennis
wario: lmao hell yeah
Never ask a girl “How are you single?”
BECAUSE THEY WILL SHOW YOU
If coronavirus isn’t about beer then why do they keep talking about cases of it
Anaesthetist: Count back from 10
Me: WHY IS THERE MATHS? NO ONE SAID THERE’D BE MATHS
Wife: I need some chicken stock.
Me: okay. I’ll call the broker tomorrow.
*leads wife into bedroom where rose petals on comforter spell out “NO, YOU TAKE OUT THE GARBAGE”
Scrooge: you there, girl, what day is it?
Rebecca Black: *inhales*
I’m preparing for Halloween early by pretending not to be home every time someone knocks the door.
My husband sneezed and now everyone on Nextdoor is asking what that loud noise was.
Truthfully, I’m hungover. But if anyone asks, this is a yoga position.
Sadiq’s joke in today’s Time Out 👏🏼👏🏼👏🏼
THERAPIST: How did you feel when you first realized you had a Gloria Gaynor obsession?
ME: First I was afraid. I was petrified.
Am I winning or losing at parenting if my 3yo says, “ooohhh chicken nuggets!” as I pull up to the security booth at a gated community?