I wear a 3-piece suit to bed in case someone breaks in & we have nothing to talk about. “Did you notice I’m wearing a suit?” “Yes”
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Interviewer: your resume says you were a waiter
Me: yes that’s right
Interviewer: where at
Me: out in the lobby right before this interview
My refrigerator is so full I have to slide the Country Crock out like I’m playing Jenga
[outside a blazing house]
Firefighter: …
Me: …
Firefighter: …
Me: … There was a spider.
Not to brag but a girl at this party said I look like the Hulk, of course it was when I was turning green from drinking too much, but still…
Hate it when dudes say “leave something to the imagination!” like what do you think is under my clothes? a mystery prize? a pumpkin? Obama?
When life gives you lemons, worship the elder Gods. Take candy from a baby. Drink from a trough of blood. Who cares? None of this matters
What idiot called it a national anthem instead of country music?
Me: Guys, please, I just need 5 minutes without a question, so I can finish this.
4yos:
Me:
4yos:
Me:
4yo: Why do you need 5 minutes, Daddy?
[class trip]
I’m farmer Joe, this is my farm
DO U HAVE COWS?
Yes, it’s a dairy farm
DO U HAVE WHALES?
Kid, why wouldn’t we have whales?
Why do people always make such a fuss over how much a newborn weighs? It’s a baby, not a stash of heroin.
[puts hand on wife’s stomach as baby kicks]
Come out here & try that.
I’ve heard that there are people that can keep every room of their house clean at the same time
At my house the rooms have to take turns being clean, kind of like the kids
Pretty rude of Instagram to put a bunch of ads for shapewear in my feed dominated by food porn… I mean, they’re not wrong, but it’s still rude
angel: whatcha making?
god: *plugging a snake into an electrical outlet* eel
“Who Wants To Be a Millionaire?” would be a better show if the only contestants were billionaires.
[THE INVENTOR OF FLIP FLOPS]
What if you could clap with your feet?
“There should be a less mean way of saying the F word because some people might forget they can’t say that in school”
– my 6yo, absolutely not talking about herself
They suggested I elevate my feet and so, I was wondering if your shoulders were available.
Me: *finishes up dinner date*
Me: *sits down at new table* Sorry I’m late, traffic was awful
Her: …you were literally sitting at the table right next to this one
A Gothic novel about a governess who works at the manor house of a mysterious man who spends a lot of time in his attic. She eventually discovers that he keeps his LEGO sets there.
“I think this chlorine is healing my anal fissure.” – Things not to say in a swimming pool. Apparently.
mary: my water broke
joseph: why do I smell grapes
[front of card]
No one will find your body[open card]
as attractive as I do[back of card]
lying at the bottom of an abandoned mine shaft
I hate being woken up so if you find me sleeping, let me rest. If you can’t follow that simple rule, next time just hire another pilot.
The irony of my developing severely crippling stomach cramps minutes after reading a cheesy old love story isn’t lost on me.
*faints*
I feel like anyone who comments on anything is insane.
ME: people only use 10% of their brains
FRIEND: that’s an urban legend
ME: no it’s not. my grandma told it to me, and she lives on a farm
If I ever get remarried, I am walking down the aisle to the theme song from Jaws.
Brenda from work unfollowed me on here so now I have to follow her around the office all day reading my tweets like a news broadcaster
What is so attractive about milk and honey that you would wanna wash your hands with it?