If I stop talking to someone, I don’t delete them from my phone, I just change their contact info to Scam Likely
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Barry?
Yes Joe
Can I borrow Air Force 1? I promised this girl we’d eat at the Pizza Hut in France
No Joe
*Biden slams fist*
THIS IS BULLSHIT
If you start smacking people with your wife’s purse she won’t ask you to hold it for her anymore
[inventor of teapot]
“I want this water to scream”
My husband sneezed and now everyone on Nextdoor is asking what that loud noise was.
“I’m helping” 😅
I don’t think it’s rude to keep standing if you go to someone’s house and their furniture is ugly
*pronounces ‘comb’ like ‘bomb’ eighteen times during interview at Great Clips.
Yeah, but is it Tyrannosauri Rex or Tyrannosaurus Rexes?
*The Jehovahs Witness slams my own door in my face
Out of the blue, HR forced us all to review our workplace sexual harassment training.
The office holiday party is next week.
Coincidence?
I can’t come up with a guitar pun, but I won’t fret about it.
Doctor: How did you get all those bruises?
Me: Rough sex
Doctor: That looks unhealthy and should stop
Me: Talk to your nurse about that
Mom: Wanna help gift rap?
Me: In West Philadelphia born and raised on the playgro– oh you mean WRAP? Nah homegirl you’re on your own.
Sunflower seeds: For when you want to have a snack while pretending you’re a cockatiel.
Forget teleportation or invisibility. If I could have any superpower it would be the ability to attain the perfect salsa to chip ratio every time.
My top tip is, before you get into a staring competition with any large animal (such as a boa constrictor), do double check they have eyelids.
[Boss hands me 12 pages of complaints about my smart-ass remarks]
Me: so I guess the whole “we’re going paperless” rules dont apply to you?
Feel. He’s so soft.
And to my kids I leave an endless supply of screenshotted recipes that I never made but also refused to delete. With these images I also bequeath a drawer full of condiments and sporks from all the takeout we had instead.
my wife wants to take the kids out which would be great except she wants me to go too
Capri sun packages were designed to teach kids how to do emergency tracheotomies
As I sit in this coffee shop practicing for my Sign Language final it occurs to me, all of these people probably think that I’m talking to myself.
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: Why don’t they put a scratch and sniff box on recipes?
wife: Can we get a kids menu?
waitress *brings one*
wife
me
wife
me [already doing the maze]
wife: Can we get 2 kids menus?
ME: Ok, that’s everything in the dishwasher
*closes dishwasher door*
*turns it on*
*turns around*TEASPOON: You’re not gonna believe this
want to make it creepy? just add in my pants to whatever
Merry Christmas…in my pants
Happy New Year…in my pants
If you didn’t want to marry me then why’d you show up with ice cream?
Wife: “I’m sick and tired of your walkie-talkie obsession. This marriage is over.”
Me: “You broke up there. This marriage is what? Over.”
{walks into farmers market}
Me: is there a bathroom here?
Worker: sorry the bathroom is for customers only
Me: ok I’ll take 4 farmers
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