judge: your word is meaningless.
me: meaningless. m-e-a-
lawyer: [hand on shoulder] just sit down.
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If you read the entire dictionary technically you’ve read every book but out of order.
got kicked out of family thanksgiving again for saying “mm that’s fergalicious” after every bite
I don’t have a spirit animal. I have a judgemental chicken that’s followed me around my whole life shaking its head disapprovingly.
If you start a sentence with “I seen”, i’m just going to go ahead and assume the next part will not be “the inside of a book”
I think this lady I’m stalking just found out. She changed her wifi name to:
“Hey you in the tree. I’ve called the cops.”
I call my smoke detector Gordon Ramsay because every time I cook it screams at me
Stuck in traffic? We have the solution for you… Call customer service so all your vulgarities aren’t wasted.
sure recipes like “marry me chicken” are cute but where’s the “it’s your turn to clean the bathroom casserole”
CW: Can you hold this Snickers?
Me: mmhmm
CW: Are you holding it in your mouth?
Me: mmhmm
I don’t want a ring, I want a Hattori Hanzo sword.
I was thinking of becoming self employed but due to cutbacks I can’t afford to hire me right now.
[spelling bee]
moderator: your word is abandon
me: can you use it in a sentence?
moderator: everyone you love will abandon you
me: omg
moderator: lol no not even close
Satan: Welcome to hell! You can spend all eternity walking barefoot across legos OR you can wear these crocs.
Me: NOOOOOOOO!!!!!!
Obligatory April 25th Meme Tweet 😆
me: (reaches for the bill) no no, i got it
my date, grabbing her stuff to leave my apartment: thank u for paying your own electric bill
I could die climbing Mount Everest or I could die sitting on my couch eating Tostitos and I think we all know which one is preferable.
Nobody:
Me: LORD OF THE RINGS IS A CHRISTMAS MOVIE THERE ARE ELVES.
If you tell me my life would be SO much easier if I’d organize everything, I swear I will stab you with a fork. As soon as I find my fork.
professor x: what’s ur superpower
me: i take things literally
professor x: that’s not a superpower
me:
professor x: where’s my pen
I buy ribbed condoms, it makes my balloon Armadillos more realistic
Friends with my exes? I’m barely friends with my friends.
Engaged couples should register for two of everything so it’s easier to divide stuff when they divorce.
When a woman says “WHAT did you just say?” say something different.
Just saw the new Avengers & the audience went NUTS when Shrek showed up & saved the day.
*uses your voodoo doll as a tampon*
I put my shoes on like everyone else. I beckon for my footman, Chauncey, and he does it straightaway. Your guy probably has a different name
[runs inside of a gas station]
“I NEED TO USE YOUR BATHROOM! IT’S AN EMERGENCY!”
*takes a selfie in the bathroom mirror for an IG # game
RIDDLER: What belongs to you, but others use it more than you do?
ME: Every piece of kitchenware I own?
RIDDLER: Well, no, but
[overhears two people taking about how difficult it is to get into Harvard] *whispers to self* Hardvard
Her: Stop being absurd. Just be yourself.
Me: Make up your mind.