nothing about reading dr seuss has convinced me that he’s actually a doctor
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“Put your pants on grandma, you’re scaring the reptiles!”
– Me, camping
*speed dating*
I’m a competitive eater!
Date: Are you any good?
[grabbing my suitcase, dumping 45 hotdogs on table] funny you should ask
waiter: i’m sorry sir, but your card has been declined
me: run it again
waiter: i ran it three times
me: *to my date* omg this is so embarrassing. do you mind taking care of it?
her: no problem! *grabs waiter by the collar and pulls him close* he said run it again
I hate to choose sides, but if forced, I’ll aggressively side with the person paying my bar tab.
Prince Devitt x Low Ki x Kota Ibushi. One of my all time favorite matches. 🔥
Wife: *glares* “Do you think you’re funny?”
Me: “Yes.”
W:
M:
W:
Me: “I mean no.”
W:
M: “How many guesses do I get?”
God: you’re an elephant.
Elephant: dang i’m pretty big!
God: you’re actually the largest land animal in the world.
Elephant: oh wow!
God: I know right?
Elephant: am I the loudest?
God: lol goodness no.
Elephant: well who is?
God: [looks around] I call it the toddler : )
The Republicans haven’t got a single candidate who could survive a Willie Wonka factory tour.
I was going to spend the next 6 years studying medicine to become a doctor. Then I realized I could just like Facebook photos to save lives.
Why do they call it shopping for new countertops and not taking me for granite send tweet
The audacity of my parents’ oldies station now playing 80s music.
8: I’m gonna marry someone who likes a different cereal than I do, so he won’t eat all my favorite cereal.
Me: Sounds pretty legit.
I answer my front door in my coat, if it’s someone I want to see I say I’ve just got in and if it’s someone I really don’t want to see I say I was just on my way out, works every time.
Me: If you wear a bikini to the zoo is it a zucchini
LeBron: I…is this the right room? The nurse said you were dying
Me: Dying to meet you
I overheard two female coworkers say there was a creepy dude listening to their conversation.
me: [jumping out of a cake]
skydiving instructor: really not necessary for the experience
584.
It’s actually pretty rude of you to assume that I know what I’m doing
likes 853 pics in your media, don’t make this awkward boo.
took a DNA test and found out all my ancestors were also tired
Son: so a bee’s stripes are to tell other animals to stay far away?
Me: yeah, kind of like-
*a jacked up, neon green trans-am with mud tires rolls by*
Son: like that?
Me: exactly like that
Her: What’s with the bunny?
Him: I’m teaching him to look into the mirror and say, “you talkin’ to me?”
Her: Why?
Him: Because Rabbit Deniro is a badass and an artist, Lauren.
“Drat!” Annie felt the unwelcome creep of human emotion intrude upon her sensible agenda.
The chick next to me brought everything she owned on the plane. She’s currently pitching her tent & unpacking.
Me: do you like bad boys?
Her: no
Me: are you sure?
Her: [covers her dog’s ears] okay yes
[documentary on bees]
“the reason why we’re filming the bees twenty miles away using the world’s longest super zoom camera is because of the bees”
Someone’s 26 year old son: hey I love older women, older women are amazing I love that you’re older
Me: turns directly to dust
MOM: Your father was abducted by aliens last night.
ME: [about to adjust thermostat] Oh no.
[meanwhile in ufo]
ALIEN: What do you mean we have to turn around?
DAD: Somethings wrong I can’t explain it.
somebody come look at this
I remember when people just wanted to date someone with personality..but noOoo, now everyone’s gotta have multiple.