When my teenagers give me shit in front of their friends, I ask if they want to come over for a “play date”
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The concept of a sister wife doesn’t bother me so much as the fact there’d be one more person in my damn way this morning.
McDonald’s Drive thru: Sorry Drive Thru is closed. You can come inside if you want.
Me: Um
McDonald’s: We’re having some technical difficulties and are overwhelmed right now and decided to shut it down.And that’s how I learned about the importance of self care from McDonald’s.
As soon as they heard the flush, my phone interview took a drastic turn.
My girlfriend told me that it was either her or my Meatloaf discography. I told her I would do anything for love, but I can’t do that.
Putting carrot sticks in the break room next to the cake is considered work place violence, Jim. Security will see you out.
“Why do birds suddenly appear?”
To shit on my newly washed car, that’s why.
Me: So ducks quack, owls hoot, crows caw…what do you do?
Penguin: I’m a tax attorney.
Me: Ah. That explains the briefcase.
Not sure which is more mortifying, the dog bringing your dirty panties to the repairman or the repairman balling them up and throwing them for her.
me: these edibles aren’t doing anything
lamp: just give it a little time
I was in Tesco today & this bloody weirdo was following me around
I had to have stupid emergency laser eye surgery today and I never thought my eyes would be the first to betray me but they’ve seen some shit at this point so I guess it makes sense.
6yr old: “We’ll see” means there’s a chance, right mom?
Me: Sure, let’s go with that.
*At work, pulls 2 dryer sheets out of my uniform pants leg*
Adds magician to resume
[speaking at an AA meeting]
Me: You’ll find the transition from hard liquor to hard drugs expensive, but very rewarding
*everyone cheers*
Perks of being an adult: Nobody will stop me from eating an entire cake.
Cons of being an adult: Nobody stopped me from eating an entire cake..
(Little Red Riding Hood but instead it’s me dressed as the grandma)
Little Red: Grandma what bad tweets you have.
Me: Okay what the
I need a fifth of Wild Turkey, some meth, three sticks of dynamite and a Bible. I’ll explain later.
The year is 3250 and scientists were able to extract the data from an old cell phone, dated around 2022, that they found in an archeological dig. They came to the conclusion that humans didn’t used to own clothes judging by all the naked pictures found in this phone.
Hey pal, you wanna take this outside? *me & the guy from the bar scoop the bug up on a napkin and set it down gently on the grass in front*
What was I like in high school? You know that guy who drove a Camaro and banged all the cheerleaders? I’m the reason he passed calculus
Establish dominance at your doctor’s office by giving *him* the bad news first.
I love you, but you’re not stepping foot into my home with even a speck of glitter.
It’s an indescribable feeling when I’m trying to put my toddler in his car seat in a crowded parking lot and him screaming “HELP”.
Stranger: I’m calling from inside the house.
Me: *screams* Wait, do I have a landline?
[after having one kid then having twins]
wife: we should have sexfibonacci: absolutely not
So hot these last few days I’ve consumed 1,473,968 gallons of water and only peed 3 times
Historians say teenagers in medieval times would send an average of 180 tiny scrolls by raven per day
Wife: What do you want to do for Cinco de Mayo?
Me: *sits on the couch and scratches in Spanish*
I dunno when it stopped, but I’m kinda pissed that no one celebrates and gives me a sticker when I shit anymore
Roses are red. Violets are blue. If he’s busy on Valentine’s Day, the side chic is you.