2025: The piñatas have become sentient. Children beaten mercilessly w/ sticks. Mariachi music everywhere.
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If you’re dating someone named Merle you’re required to call them your Merlefriend.
If a man shows up with cotton eyes, my first question won’t be about his travel itinerary.
“Boint, B-U-R-N-T, boint.” – mafia spelling bee.
Confuse them by retweeting their worst tweet.
colleges be like oh you have one zoom lecture and two canvas assignments per week? yes that’ll be $40,000
“So tell me more about yourse-PUT DOWN MY FRIES IF YOU WANT TO WALK OUT OF HERE WITH ALL 4 LIMBS INTACT.” – What not to say on a first date.
me linking you to my twitter
me: my new book is fantastic
friend: can i borrow it when you’re done?
me: you can’t color it in twice
Apple Computer is taking steps to
protect user privacy.Their new policy is iWon’t tell…iPromise
The repair guy is showing me broken parts from my dryer, and he might as well be showing my dog a wine list
@funTweeters
For “Mean Tweets”Oh I see now, those aren’t your measurements, it’s the fluctuations in your IQ score!
My debit card number got stolen and someone used it to buy $362 of liquor, which got approved, but the purchase they tried to make for designer clothes was denied and I’m offended. Sure I buy my clothes at Costco but that doesn’t mean I never will buy designer clothes!
This lady just ordered a turkey sub with no bread & the deli lady said, “so you want a salad?” The lady said, “no, a sub without bread.” So to be annoying I asked for a salad just like hers. If looks could kill, I wouldn’t be telling y’all this.
I’ve just realised that Ryan Reynolds and Ryan Gosling are two different people.
I loved Saint Patrick’s day in Boston it was like if everyone got a concussion during the purge. One year I lost my keys in a pub and a guy gave me one of his keys to make me feel better
Apparently it’s “against church policy” to drop your kids off in the nursery and then go to brunch.
This generation has discovered the selfie stick. My generation discovered AIDS. Don’t know what’s worse.
I’d like to apologize…
To anyone I have not offended.
I’ll be with you momentarily.
Cowboy outfits should be called ranch dressing.
mobster substitute teacher: so you see, the rats sleep with the fishes
kids: *nervously flipping through their zoology books*
DOMINO’S PIZZA TRACKER UPDATES:
– At 5:30pm, Ronny left our store with your pizza and $350 in stolen cash
– At 5:42pm, Ronny was last seen heading eastbound of HWY 94, high AF on meth
– At 6:02pm, Ronny got naked and ate your pizza while exchanging gunfire with police. Sorry
I was uninvited to “drop it” because we couldn’t hear Yoncé over my Rice Krispie knees.
Her: Would you like a complimentary orange juice with your breakfast?
Me: No, I’d like the rude, insulting orange juice, please.
A cemetery foreman discovers that his employees cremated a body he explicitly told them to bury.
“You’ve made a grave mistake!” He fumes.
If you’re gonna get on Mastodon, I would like to apologise in advance for being the guy responsible for posts being called “Toots”. I thought it was funny. And it is, and it’s even funnier that some people hate it. I take it back, I’m not sorry. Ha ha. Toots.
*Watching a commercial where someone is rock climbing*
*Do not attempt flashes across the screen*
Me: *hasn’t left the couch in 12 hours*
“Okay.”
A man is not really successful until he has a beer fridge in the garage. Sorry, I don’t make the rules.
Dogs are probably really excited about dog sledding before they find out what it actually is.
me: I need to see the doctor
receptionist: ok, name?
me: I can’t remember but he has gray hair
Trump is blaming Sanders supporters for the violence at his rally because you can’t truly be Hitler until you blame a Jew for your problems.