You can tell me any plot of land is an acre and I will have no choice but to believe you.
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I got 99 tabs open but my work ain’t one.
My laughing hysterically at Tom & Jerry cartoons is always tempered by me knowing that my wife is next to me wondering where her life went wrong.
The secret to enjoying good wine: Open to let it breathe. If it appears not to be breathing, apply mouth to mouth.
once i got commissioned to review a film, and when i went to file my story I said “Here’s my review! Not a great movie tbh” and then forgot to paste in the Google Doc link, so the editor replied being like “oh… we’d still like an article?”
Everyone’s all up in arms about how undemocratic the electoral college is and yet we let our weather be decided by A SINGLE UNELECTED GROUNDHOG??!!?!?
Since we don’t have children my wife shows people photos of our Air Fryer.
TRUMP: i’m the greatest man who ever lived
GUY WHO CAME UP WITH THE IDEA FOR THE TINY ONION VOLCANOS AT JAPANESE STEAKHOUSES: bitch please
“Always leave her wanting more” doesn’t mean eat the last of the nachos, jerk.
You’re telling me Adam DRIVER and Penelope CRUZ (cruise) are in a movie called Ferrari ???????????
Alarms are for people without children or puppies
I said I couldn’t care less, but look at that… you proved me wrong
One day, the fridge will take revenge on me, every half hour opening the door to my room, staring at me for a few minutes & then walk away.
Cake!!
“i am trapped in a loveless marriage help me obi-wan you’re my only hope” “use divorce, luke”
“come on there is no place safer than on the surface of an asteroid out in the middle of space what could possibly happen out here”
Sent my husband to work with leftovers from dinner last night. His co-workers are going to be so jealous of his bowl of cereal.
Me: I don’t run.
Bees: Let’s see.
if you prick your finger by accident and suck on it, you become your own blood brother & you have to take care of yourself no matter what
This was maybe my favorite tweet of 2021
I generally don’t trim my ear hair until it effects my peripheral vision.
[parole hearing]
OFFICER: are u reformed?
ME: I—
O: go on
M: I th—
O: tell us
M: I’m—
O: yes
M: can I finish my sentence
O: ok parole denied
“Pray, love, eat.” — A mantis
Me: “I’d like to return this lube because it doesn’t work right”
Walmart associate: “Ma’am, that’s hand sanitizer”
Person behind me: “I’ll take it!”
It’s difficult having a 12 year old, a 10 year old and a 7 year old. I can’t decide which to drink.
My wife has already mentally eaten half my fries before I’ve even ordered.
Child: I’m full.
Me: Okay.
Child: Can I have dessert?
Me: What? You just said you were full.
Child: Yeah, full of THIS.
Dentist: *shows me picture of my teeth*
Me: Delete it.
Me: Phone a friend
Judge: That’s not how this works
Him: So whattayou wanna do?
Her: I dunno
Him: So…You wanna play video games?
Her: No!
Him: So…You wanna watch me play video games?
It still bothers me that airplanes aren’t called skyscrapers