You play the cards life deals you. They are Monopoly cards. You are a small pewter dog and you have won second prize in a beauty contest.
You Might Also Like
snakes on a plane sequels:
– snakes on a plane yes, again somehow
– penguins on a pirate ship
– dogs on parole
– horses in a bad mood
*shampoos & conditions hair
*rinses hair
*blowdries hair
*straightens hair
*spits toothpaste into hair
[science fair]
Judge: each contestant is scored on 5 factors with the highest being the winner
Me: long sandwiches should have suitcase handles
Judge: ok you’re definitely the highest
When I kiss a girl, sometimes I dont know what to do with my hands, so I slow clap behind her head to make sure she knows I’m enjoying it.
Just know that when times get tough and you see two sets of footprints in the sand, that’s when Elmo and Tracy Chapman are carrying you
what do you want to eat?
what are you in the mood for?
boss: you’re fired
me: [slamming fist on couch] you woke me up for this?
Thinking about crashing people’s romantic dinner and screaming “Who is she?”
Met a dog named Donut. I don’t need that kind of reminder all day. Excuse me, I have to go take Smaller Portions for a walk.
The upside to wearing a mask at work is I can yawn in meetings and no one knows. The downside is I yawn so much I look like I’m crying
I was going to pay $100/hour to see a psychic, but fortunately I found a huge bag of fortune cookies for $18.50 instead.
Everyone said the hamster catapult wasn’t appropriate for the science fair but no one could stop watching.
The key to office success is to only have one of two things out on your desk at any time, things you’re working on or things that make you look busy.
I use algebra every day for work. I was promised in high school that this would never happen.
Every time a zombie sneezes, it loses 5 pounds in body parts.
Just because I am an Italian American doesn’t mean my family is in the mob….
It means we used to be.
[ First day as a bartender ]
Me: *unzips customers pants*
Him: wtf!?
Me: you said make it stiff
Psychiatrist: “Maybe you should be seeing a therapist.”
Me: “You sure like spending my money, don’t you?”
Always a bridesmaid, never a body at the bottom of a lake
Cop leans over body:
Looks like *removes shades* cement poisoning
Or a case *removes mustache* of gravity
Or *removes teeth* aaah gaah bwaa
Taking the day off to brush up on conspiracy theories and really get this thanksgiving party started.
There’s nearly 50 million kangaroos in Australia and there’s nearly 5 million people in Phoenix.
If the roos got together & decided to invade Phoenix, each person would have to fight 10 kangaroos.
Stranger: I’m calling from inside the house.
Me: *screams* Wait, do I have a landline?
ex: do you still have feelings for me?
me: yes.
disgust.
My 8yo just asked if he could peel off my skin to see my bones when I die and then said “just kidding” in a very unconvincing tone.
What i said : I really like this song
What i meant : Shut your face for the next few minutes
A piece of bacon fell on the heating element when I was taking it out of the oven and I saved it without a moment’s hesitation. So that rush of adrenaline that gives parents the strength to lift a car off their kid?
I get it.
Work from home? I don’t even work from work.
*speed dating bell rings
Me: Why are you breaking up with me?