If you drink 8 glasses of water a day you will die fully hydrated
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I was lying next to 4 and he looked into my eyes and stroked some hair off my face and my heart melted but then he stroked a bit harder and said “mummy I can’t rub the lines out your face”
I was bored and filled a spherical ice cube mold with milk. When I took it out it was perfect…until I dropped it and it broke in half. Now I’m crying over split milk.
My wife is mad at me because I gave up looking for one particular black sock in a basket full of socks and after having pulled 7 different black socks out I quit.
someone described my girlfriend’s skin as “sun-kissed” recently and now the sun’s about to catch these hands
I TRADED MY ALARM CLOCK FOR A KOALA SO I CAN SLEEP UNTIL HE STARTS BEGGING FOR LEAVES WHICH’S LIKE 3 DAYS
spiraling out of control, anyone need anything?
the true test of a child is not how he treats his friends, but how he treats Minecraft villagers
Oh, I see you’re an extrovert. Sorry, we can’t be friends. I already have a friend who’s an extrovert. One of you is enough.
Boy: *Kissing girl on couch* You wanna take this upstairs?
Girl: Hehe sure baby
Boy: Sweet! Grab the other end, I can’t carry it by myself
My husband and I talked about getting a divorce, but neither one of us wants the kids.
Soo… I guess when he asked for my number he didn’t mean how many lovers I’ve had?
BOSS: This is hard to say…we need to make cutbacks
ME: What’s so hard? “We need to make cutbacks” See? Piece of cake
BOSS: Getting easier
Me: i don’t believe in marriage
Also me: i will meet my husband through twitter
Girlfriend: I’m breaking up with you, it’s the way you have to make everything into a joke. I can’t do it any more, I’m just too tired
Me: *sadly* like a bicycle?
Ex Girlfriend:…
Never put a toaster in the bathtub. Nobody likes soggy toast.
Me: What do you want to be, when you grow up?
6YO *looking me in the eye*: A rockstar artist and God
Shakespeare: shall I compare thee to a summer’s day?
Me: sure
Shakespeare: okay. summer’s day > you
“can’t you take a hint?” bro I don’t even understand literal stuff
Me: why aren’t you studying?
My kid: I didn’t see you coming.
I’m going to steal my own tweets and get mad at myself.
I’m tired and want to sleep, but I can’t stop imagining how the whole scenario of the first person to pee on a jellyfish sting went down
Called in telepathically this morning, so they know I’m thinking of them.
[on knees]
“Oh God… please make this hangover go away.”
[from heavens]
“Due to the Saint Patrick’s Day holiday, we are experiencing abnormally high call volumes. Please hold, and God will answer your prayers in the order in which they were received.”
I’m gonna nail horseshoes on my nikes and gallop behind joggers
My kids asked me how to spell desert and dessert so I told them to type it both ways and see what emojis pop up
A frisbee hit me lightly on the shin and I’m at the age where this might be a lifelong injury.
Townspeople: [shaking pitchforks at me] BURN THE WITCH
Me: lmao go ahead I can take it
Townspeople: you have a dumb face
Me: [tearing up] ok I was wrong I can’t take it
*changes voicemail recording to “your call cannot be completed as dialed. Please check the number and dial again
[1st date]
Her: I love quail
Me: Omg me too!
H: Love Cher
M: Omg me too!
H: Love men
Me: Omg me too!
H: Love Pepsi
M: WTF is wrong with you?
[in a club]
ME: have you seen my moves?
HER: no
ME: *shows her photographs of my last four apartments*