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“Am I as bored as you are?” can be read backwards and still make sense.
Sure, I miss grandma. But she’s up there protecting us.
*looks up to the sky where my grandma is in a jet fighting aliens*
There are two owls inside you. You are going to nail this interview at Hooters.
A scientist who studies Adam’s apples is called a guyneckologist.
Him: What time are you picking up the kids?
Me: I’ll leave as soon as I rinse the blood off my car.
Him: What?
Me: What? *click*
Wonder Woman is in theaters June 2nd. But if you want a sneak preview, watch Sally Yates’ performance in front of the Senate.
I don’t mind when a waitress says, “Is Pepsi fine?” when I ask for some coke.
But when my drug dealer says it, it’s kind of annoying
“you’re odd”
“you are also odd”
“yes”
“so we’re even”
Don’t let anyone treat you like yesterdays reheated spaghetti.
[Job interview]
-Are you going to just keep spinning around in that chair?
Sorry. I didn’t think we started yet.
i love misspelling a word so hard even MS Word is like “this is between you and the Lord now”
Women’s deodorant: Spring Breeze, Lilac, Gentle Sunshine.
Men’s deodorant: Sport, Mountain, Forest Fire, Rage, Fistfight, Childhood Angst.
We are trained since birth that happiness comes from boobs or bottles.
me (first day as a judge): YOU’RE OUT OF ORDER!
McFlurry machine: you’re new here aren’t you?
They say old habits die hard…
My ex was an old habit, here’s to hoping.
if you save that one free donut u get everyday after getting vaccinated, by the end of the year that’s enough donuts to open your own shop but y’all don’t see the vision
ME: I’ll have the steak, medium-rare please
WAITER: Sure, would you like anything on the side?
ME: To be totally candid I’d like it all on the plate
I got fired from the church nursery for racing the babies.
Tonight was supposed to be date night but instead I’m heading to the grocery store because my wife just texted me an eggplant emoji.
When you haven’t shaved in a while and your leg hairs sway better in the breeze than your neighbour’s stupid windchime
Yes judgmental liquor store cashier, I must be having another big party.
I am dedicated. I go to the gym every day, and I’ve kept my sea monkeys alive for 12 years.
*a town in which the production of little marshmallow treats has been banned*
mayor: i don’t want another peep out of any of you
Fun tip:
Go to carnivals, scatter nuts and bolts around rides to cut down on wait times.
*thumbs up*
Maths meets science
confuse your coworkers today by telling them you’re going to the restroom to do a “number 3”
Choose a job you love and you’ll never work a day in your life, because you’ll never get that job.
I’ve just realised that Ryan Reynolds and Ryan Gosling are two different people.
nobody compliments good driving. they only complain about the bad stuff. yeah thanks for noticing the very end of our trip how was i doing the entire time we were NOT in a lagoon
Seems a lot like 2021 keeps asking, “What would 2020 do?”