Health food? Baby, my body is a ’93 Honda hatchback with a headlight out. I’m not about to start putting premium gas in it now.
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A tampon just fell out of my bag as I went to pay for something at a garage & a grown man in his construction gear laughed…….at a tampon….
So I looked at him and asked him did he want to keep it since it brought him way more entertainment than it will ever bring me.
My daughter acts like she’s on the police hostage negotiation team anytime me or her mother goes to the bathroom & shuts the door.
Legend of Tarzan 2:
Tarzan meets other primates.
He befriends them all.
He teaches them to fight.
It’s a prequel to Planet of the Apes.
“I’M NOT LIKE OTHER GIRLS!!!”
(Seductively takes baby dragon out of Gucci purse & lights cigarette.)
Glad my new mirror came w this manual. Let me see how this works.
I’m always disappointed when a bio states ‘avi not me’ especially when it’s an animal or a cartoon.
[watching the avengers with my wife]
(scene where the hulk appears)
me: *nudges wife* that’s shrek
I do my best parenting lying down (allowing my kids to sleep in the bed with me so they don’t come in and wake me up at 5 am)
Left
Right
Left
Left-er
Quick right
Squeee!
Left
Up
Down
Left
Right
Squeee!
Right
Up– squirrels
I love to use my 6-foot wide umbrella at eye height on a crowded path.
~Psychopaths.
I am a Mother hear me roar…..especially when my kids decide to make a kite out of my granny panties and fly it down the street.
Was going to rob a bank today, but the pen was chained to the desk.
I accidentally gave my newborn Muscle Milk instead of formula and now he’s blasting Pantera and doing one arm pull-ups off his crib
Water is the solution to any problem… Do you want to lose weight? Drink more water. Stressful day? Take a warm bath. Tired of annoying people? Drown them.
So, I got banned from the toy store today…
Me: Do you want to sign up for dance in the fall?
7: Yeah!!
Me: Which classes do you like best?
7: I don’t really like any of them. I just like dance because you get free costumes at the end.
Me:
7:
Me:
7:
Me: *blinks* I’m sorry, did you say free?
I am upset with my parents for making me exist. u just decided to make a person one day? who’s gonna pay my bills? me? I didn’t ask for this
I love this time of year because I can leave my husband at home with the kids & say I’m going Christmas shopping when really I’m just out driving around in my car to get some peace & quiet.
i’m taking care of a guys owl next week and he just sent me this list of rules. what the hell
You can marry for love or you can marry for kidneys, but not both
No wonder King Charles’s visit to France was cancelled amidst violent protests about retirement age legislation. A working 74-year-old royal just sends out the wrong message.
The main reason I lost my virginity was to ensure I wouldn’t be sacrificed anytime soon.
7-year-old: I won breakfast!
Me: You can’t win breakfast. You just eat it.
7: Said the loser.
Her: tell me want I want to hear baby
Me: your order is on its way
Her: oh god, yes!
(understanding 0% of what I’m being told as i’m getting trained for my new job) that all makes perfect sense, no questions
To those of you who received a book from me as a Christmas present: just to let you know that they are due back at the library tomorrow.
we can put a man on the moon but we can’t make shower caps sound less like world war 3 is happening on my head
Me: *taking an art appreciation class*
Instructor: Please bring my students back
China spy balloon:
“We’re trying to contact you about your car’s extended warranty.”
Men what’s stopping you from dressing like ’80s horror movie hunks