I told my boyfriend to show me pictures of my outfits that I ordered and I for sure was not expecting this…
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Handing out samples at Costco:
“These are mini hand sanitizer/toilet paper sandwiches, they’re really popular right now”
*tries to quietly check the football score during a home invasion
My seven year old just told me the average person sleeps 70% of their lives and I am just so impressed he can make up statistics above his grade level
I am not above nurturing our friendship for years just to get that secret family recipe.
[at therapist]
I don’t know, sometimes I just feel invisible
Therapist: WHO SAID THAT?!?
As a kid I thought a lot about growing up, getting a job and having kids, but not this job and certainly not these kids.
my friend: [just got fired from his job] what a day
me: [got to the gym and only my left headphone worked] you have no idea
They sent a cardboard detective to investigate.
ME: Give up, man. She’s not coming back.
GROCERY CART:
I say: ‘Pls watch that pothole’.
My son hears: ‘Pls drive through that pothole with the force of a thousand jackhammers’.
Useful information: don’t turn around if a woman throws a shoe at your back. Because more than likely the other one is in mid flight.
Kid: Dad, where do babies come from?
Me: Um…
Kid:
Me: You mix baby oil with baby powder. Stir in baby peas. Then you-
Kid: I’m asking mom.
Me: ᵒʰ ᵗʰᵃⁿᵏ ᵍᵒᵈ
If you add orange juice to Jason Momoa you get a Jason Mimosa.
What has 15 actors, 4 settings, 2 writers and 1 plot line?
632 Hallmark Christmas movies.
Sometimes, for fun, I like to mouth words to my husband when he’s wearing earbuds. When he stops to ask me what I said, I just say ‘forget it’ and storm off.
I regret teaching my boyfriend about make up. I made a snarky comment to him and he goes “first of all, blend your contour before you come for me like that”
Me: If we weren’t related, I’d totally sleep with you. Hot girl: But we aren’t related. Me: Oh good, so you feel the same way too
Getting older is weird.
It’s like your brain remembers how much fun things were when you were younger, but your body is all like, Nope
me: do you take walk-ins
morgue: what
Everything was great until I opened my mouth.
– An autobiography
I was pretty sure I spotted Ted Danson last night. Not doing much, just Danson in the streets
I’ve been putting a scoop of sherbet on my neighbor Leslie’s car, every morning for six years. Today he shot me with an arrow.
I just tried to start my car with my phone. You should know that my car has a keyless ignition. I’m pretty.
have we checked all food to see if exploding them makes them into something better or did we just stop with corn
Whenever I have to sign something to send back to my kid’s school, I always worry they’ll think she forged it even though I try to use my best “grown-up” penmanship.
Nothing sets a bad precedence like your boss catching you actually working.
No one cares about your plans for the weekend more than the person cutting your hair
How Vaccines Work 🧫🧬🦠💉 (everyone needs to watch this)
My 11-year-old is talking about what she wants her future house to look like and I’m pretty sure she is describing a zoo.
You overpack for vacation and most of the stuff you don’t even wear, but your clothes need a vacation too. They seem to enjoy it.