When having guests over for lunch, once I’ve prepared the meal is it rude of me to leave?
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Him: The kids and I had a game night. There was a good bit of arguing and some crying.
Me: Oh? …how did the kids behave?
[phonecall]
murderer: I’m outside your houseme: I’m at the supermarket
murderer: ok
me: I’ll be there in 10
Nothing says warm summer days like choosing between drinking a bottle of ice-cold kombucha or ranch
Manslaughter. The sound of a man laughing?
Me: one mcflurry please
Cashier: the machine is down
Me: awe then one for the machine too
Kids are like I know this paper heart is from a ripped burrito wrapper I picked out of the gutter but it reminds me of you and you must keep it forever and ever till you die.
hm so saying “oh god” and “oh yes” during sex is acceptable and encouraged but as soon as i say “oh text RESIST to 50409 to support net neutrality” im suddenly ruining the mood??
The predictive text is coming from inside the horse.
11YR OLD: dad, are we poor?
ME: we are rich in love…we are rich in laughter
11: so we’re poor
M: yes
[hurls martini into roaring fireplace] WHO TOLD MY DAD ABOUT THE INTERNET
[Eating]
Waiter: How’s the meal?
Me: I dunno. Let me check
*pulls out phone
Me: Not good. It only got 2 likes on Instagram
Waiter: …
So rude of Ashton Kutcher to file divorce papers right before Demi Moore’s 150th birthday.
Waitress: need anything else?
Me: yes, a cup of black coffee.
W: and how would u like your coffee?
M: uhhh..black and in a cup?
Potty training my twins is like the Titanic’s maiden voyage… In the beginning we are excited, in the end everyone is crying and all wet.
For a brief moment I confusedly ask myself, “Am I Hannah?”
Why is it the only thing a woman wants out of a man these days is security?
Well it’s the first thing they say when I approach them.
If you like 28 tweets of mine in a row, you’re my boyfriend now. I didn’t make this up. I’m just as upset as you are.
I’m afraid of people who keep smiling all the time. I feel like they still have plenty of space left for more bodies in their basement.
interviewer: for your most recent job you put down “i cleaned out my car some”
me: that’s right
interviewer: and for a reference you put down “my friend jarret”
me: he was there
My dad’s pet name for my mom is tiger.
Let’s never discuss this again.
181.
My sister: You’re either going to die because you sassed the wrong person or petted a dog you shouldn’t have.
Me: Either way, I’m getting bitten in the face.
Let us pray for my Facebook friend who not only has a headache, but her bus is running a bit late too.
You: Wow, check out that cool dog
Your friend who is also an algorithm: Do you want to buy a dog? View the top ten reasons dogs are better than cats. What is the nicest dog to get? See what veterinarians say. Dog breeders in your area
My friend has six kids and not once have they sang about going to bed. What in the VonTrapp is going on there?
Me: everything happens for a reason
Her: can I get your number?
Me: I don’t believe in “accidents”
Her: I’ll also need your insurance
I judge the strength of the economy based on what type of candy people hand out on Halloween.
You know Santa isn’t real because no man over 40 is out past 9PM.
No time to exercise? Get the results of a 30 minute workout in only 3 seconds by accidentally stepping on your cat on the stairs in the dark
If I don’t get an A for my daughter’s school project, I’m gonna be pissed.