[My son watching a film set in Victorian England]: It’s like they are speaking cursive.
You Might Also Like
I’ve tried to be a people person, but people ruin the experience.
Siri’s on her period. she needs an iPad
“WATERMELON” HAS 4 SYLLABLES. “ILLUMINATI” HAS 5 SYLLABLES. THAT’S PRETTY CLOSE. WATERMELON IS ILLUMINATI.
Can’t sleep because I keep finding exciting opportunities to get pissed off.
This is worse than season 7 of The Walking Dead
Where in the hell are Dora the Explorer’s parents? Do they know she’s riding a damn crocodile into a volcano?
If you’re happy and you know it eat a bug
Save your money- instead of a swear jar, just wash your mouth out with cilantro
Next to my high school yearbook photo it said “Most Likely To Fold Under Pressure”. In your face, haters! I SUCK at timed origami contests.
Just saw a bundt so big and beautiful I changed my sexual orientation to cake.
Him: Don’t you think that’s enough Bailey’s in your coffee?
Me: I’m in morning
Womb is pronounced as “woom” and tomb as “toom”.
It’s only fair that bomb should go “boom”.
So. I didn’t win the lottery again. If this run of bad luck continues much longer, I may have to consider actually buying a ticket one day.
I don’t get it. EVERYTHING we do is for money. Why does society condemn it for sex? DAD: Um, okay. Maybe someone ELSE wants to say grace?
QUIZ SHOW HOST: So, Trevor, what would you do if you won the £100,000 jackpot?
CONTESTANT: Well, my brother lives in Australia, I haven’t seen him for 15 years after we fell out, so I think I’d send him a picture of me with the money.
Me: Footlong
Subway sandwich artist: White or wheat?
Me: Cookie
gwen stefani really let us down by not spelling something useful like necessary or embarrass
son: Where’s mom? I need her to sign my permission slip
me: I can do it
son: My teacher said it has to be an adult
If I had known “cuties” were little oranges when my wife asked me to “bring a few home,” I could have avoided these awkward introductions.
I can still remember that one New Year’s Eve when I had too much to drink and peed in my neighbor’s bushes ten minutes ago
Astronomer: hey look, a meteor shower!
Meteor: *scrubbing pits* a little privacy, perv.
My kid is mad at me because *checks notes* I would not let her hang out in a dog crate and I ruined her dreams of being a dog
Million dollar idea: Dating website for leopards called Connect the Dots
Wanna up the awkward while standing in line? Turn around while you wait.
Speak now or ever hold your peace
Virgo: Sometimes you eat the bear and sometimes the bear eats you. Good luck on your next hike.
Biden: I wonder if I’ll still get free ice cream when I’m no longer VP
Obama: Joe, we have bigger problems.
Biden:
home depot should sell a 12ft turkey skeleton for thanksgiving
“SO WE’RE NOT KNOCKING ANYMORE??!!”