Evening News is where they begin with ‘Good Evening’ and then proceed to tell you why it isn’t.
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Remembering that period of time when everyone was hella into parkour, fell onto concrete once, and never tried again.
me: i’m late
boss: again?
me: it’s yours
[ GUY INVENTING THE LUGE ]
[*Drunk] Hmmm… I wonder what would happen if I slide down this ice mountain on this lawn chair?!
My cardio is just me following my kids from room to room and turning off the lights.
[bakery]
Robber: Give me all of your bread
Baker: *starts emptying the register*
Robber: Oh yeah, good idea, give me all your money too
SO SPEAKETH THE OUIJA BOARD, “N E W N U M B E R W H O I S T H I S”
FOOTBALL COACH: *drawing up a play using Xs and Os* ..any questions?
ME: are we the hugs or the kisses?
moving out: guess I’ll get rid of that exercise bike
moving in: you know what this place could use…
Happy Star Wars day!
When my wife and I started dating she’d jokingly tell me “Go play in traffic”. Now when she says it, she opens my car door while driving on the freeway.
I don’t trust people who don’t wash their hands after burying a body in the yard.
WE ARE AT THE PARK. BUT THE HUMAN SAYS IT’S TIME TO LEAVE. WHICH DOESN’T MAKE SENSE. BECAUSE THEY CAN’T CATCH ME
The adult version of “head, shoulders, knees and toes” is “wallet, glasses, keys and phone.”
A chip tracker but it’s just me following the potato chip crumbs dropped by my toddler
It was the best of times, it was the worst of times, it was the even worster of times, it was the most worster-est ever of times.
*gets in the bus*
*Brings out earphones*
*untangles*
*arrives*
Why he land on that little girl like that☠️
Friend: You thinking what I’m thinking?
Me: It’s bullshit there weren’t schools from other continents in the Triwizard Tournament?
F: ….
Dear diary, although he was a malevolent killer, the headless horseman was really well dressed. My emotions about this are confusing.
I feel it
I asked my wife why she was pissed at me and she said “YOU KNOW WHY” and now I’m just keeping my mouth shut until I can narrow it down
The Commandments
1) def don’t kill
2) no stealing, obvs
3) don’t say my name? idk
4) luv ur neighbs!
5) but don’t LOVE-love them, that’s bad
Preacher: God’s love is unconditional!
Me: Then why is there a hell?
Preacher:……
Me: Your move.
Chad Kroeger from Nickelback loves taking part in nativity plays. He has played Joseph, the Inn Keeper and even the back end of a donkey.
But he’s never made it as a wise man.
“What should we call ourselves?”
How about 22 pilots?
“Idk. Seems like an awful lot of pilots”
21 pilots?
“Omg”
A News Reporter just described someone as “Healthy as a Bus”.
Yeah….I don’t know either.
Marriage vows are all about “In sickness and in health” but I didn’t know it was ok for my wife to out-jog me by 2 city blocks on our run while she left me behind to catch my breath and eat ice cream alone.
*arriving home as my house burns down*
Firefighter: I’m sorry ma’am. Your boyfriend didn’t make it.
Me: I know. It was built in the 80’s.
Facebook is no good for my mental health. *logs onto Twitter instead