for pi day i will be going as a cutie pie
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If you crush Cheez-Its and snort them, they become Sneez-Its.
Watching fireworks is like listening to a kid’s story: you have to pretend to be enthralled every time, but in reality you lost interest after the first 3 minutes.
[on trial for murder]
lawyer: have you ever eaten cereal with water
me: [sweating] I don’t see how that’s-
judge: answer the question
Me: I’d like the French dip
Waiter: Au jus?
Me: No, Catholic
Him: Did you wash your hands?
Child (10): No, he didn’t.
Child (8): YOU DON’T KNOW MY LIFE!
ignored emails coming back to bite me call that “night of the unread”
[Being a public nuisance, drinking from a paper bag]
[Cop approaches, grabs bottle]
[It’s 40 oz of Yoohoo]
Cop: where did you even get this
Everyone’s a genius until faced with an alien coffee maker
Bro,I seriously locked myself outta my jeep.
He was driving a top-less jeep with the windows down.
I cleared the leaves out of my flower bed because I practice good floral hygiene.
I’m not saying I drank a lot over the holidays, but my liver just went to an AA meeting without me.
I wouldn’t call it ‘passive aggressive’, but I do send the glitter Christmas cards to the people who annoy me.
Trainer: “ok, lets warm up 1st….wait, where are you going!?”
Me: “tanning bed”
me: well I grew up without a dad and I turned out okay
cw: don’t u collect human teeth??
me: yeah but they’re not my teeth
To its credit, only like 8% of doing the Macarena involves heiling Hitler.
Marvel, DC, and the world unite to agree on one SUPERVILLAIN to rule them all….
The Guy Who Determines Snack Food Serving Sizes.
Abs are made in the kitchen, but a six pack can be bought in a store
Prepare for the zombie apocalypse?
No.
Just bite me and get it over with. I’m too lazy for this crap.
Boss: you can’t keep making up new words to try to make yourself sound smarter
Me: I think you’ve intangulated your rememberies to make this seem dramastically worse than it is
Boss: …
“It’s too early for porn.” Said no man ever.
Is everything ok, babe? You haven’t even touched your eppe
This all started with Meghan’s friend setting her up on a blind date with Prince Harry. My friends are actually useless.
We’re currently showing our home & still living there.
My husband hid the popcorn maker in the oven to make the kitchen look “cleaner.”
I preheated the oven to make dinner.
We’re going to be arguing about this for awhile.
“What skills would you bring to the apocalypse?”
Me: Um, brooding real hard.
You either get a kid who eats like a bottomless pit, or you get one that when asked what they want for lunch answers “No thanks. I had lunch yesterday”
The difference between a motel and a hotel is about $200.
Taking my dog out in below zero weather brings one thought to mind. I should have gotten a cat.
I don’t think that she is afraid of that tiny cockroach…
… I think she just need an excuse to stand on top of furniture & scream at me.
7yr old: I’m going to set a world record for walking in circles around this chair. “Alexa, set a time for 90 minutes.”
Me: Do you realize that’s an hour and a half?
7: Oh, “Alexa, set a timer for 5 minutes.”
Friend: *crying* I’ve been to Hell and back.
Me: *hugging her* Did you bring me a souvenir?