At a local restaurant, I got on one knee and she said yes. 13 years later I haven’t got the balls to tell her I was just chasing a crouton.
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Necessity is the mother of invention, and the wife of bill.
Bill is the only one in the family with a normal name.
No sadder relationship dynamic than my baby (absolutely obsessed with my 3yo) and my 3yo (continually tells us to throw her in the garbage)
Imagine if your dad was a Minotaur and your mom was a Mermaid and you got the human half of both and now you’re just some guy
I think people who “like” bloody Mary’s are lying
Cold vodka tomato soup? Let’s be serious
cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
me *tries to quietly open a can of beer*
Date: I’m excited to taste your cooking. When will it be ready?
Me: In a minute I’ll have to peel back the plastic, stir and re-cover.
I told my therapist that I was suffering from affluenza.
He diagnosed me with delusions of grandeur!
#jokes
Diary, day 1: I’m in the gang, but the guys didn’t want my mom to join
Day 2: Friendship bracelets don’t count as bling
Day 3: They found my diary. I’m out of the gang
Babies love to shake things, but hate to be shaken. It’s like, pick a side, babies.
beginning a breakup text with “as the situation with the supply chain continues to develop,”
[on the phone with wife]
Honey, who do you like better, Hulk Hogan or Jafar from Aladdin?
“Tell me why.”
[winks at tattoo artist] No reason.
You can lead a horse to water but I don’t know why you’d want to do that when there are infinitely cooler places to hang out with a horse. Take them out dancing. Go rock climbing. Change it up. Don’t let things get dull. Part of love is constantly surprising each other.
My 6yo just told me that because I need music to get motivated that makes me ‘radioactive’
Does anything good ever escape from a lab
Oh predictive text, how you tournament me.
Not sure where your kids are? Make a phone call. They’ll be in your face in no time.
I’ve never been as disappointed as my dog just was when she realized the food I dropped was a carrot.
MTV Movie Awards comes on in 15 minutes if anyone needs a reason to turn off the TV and go to bed.
My mother’s scale of concern:
1 missed call = I am busy with the kids.
2 missed calls = I am being murdered in a ditch.
One of my favourite factoids is that the guy who wrote “Pretty Fly (For A White Guy)” will also help us cure AIDS some day.
Now whenever a kid draws a Rectangle they have to pay Apple a dollar.
astronauts be acting like they’re so cool, as if we didn’t know at least 60 dogs and monkeys went to space before them
There should be an Uber for somebody to come over and wrap all your presents.
I changed my car horn to gunshot sounds. People move out of the way much faster now.
They say that unless you remember history you are destined to repeat it.
-I say to myself every time I think about cutting bangs.
If God sent a flood to wipe out humans for being perverts what kinda nasty shit were the dinos into?
*lies down on waxing table
Aesthetician(on phone): Cancel all my appts, check the moon phase and bring me a gun loaded with silver bullets.
5yo: Curious George is not a monkey
Me: yes he is
5yo: no he isn’t, he doesn’t have a tail, he’s an ape
Me: he definitely has a— *googling pics of Curious George* omg
[at the gym]
PERSONAL TRAINER: have you exercised at all in the past?
*flashbacks to holding my gut in for the past ten years*
ME: totes